Dear Kaycee {1 year old}

Dear Kaycee,

Yesterday was your first birthday. I cannot believe you are 1. To think I've known you for a year makes sense to me and it feels right, but to think that you are 1 year old feels weird. That makes no sense - someday when you're a mommy you'll understand though. Seriously, how have I ONLY known your little face for a year? I feel like you've been an enormous part of my life for my entire life. And I bet you have - I bet you were always with me even before I could see you and that's why you feel so familiar to me. Anyway, enough mom rambling.

Dad and I woke you up by singing "Happy Birthday" to you. We ate breakfast in our jammies - peaches, sausage & chocolate milk {your favorites right now!} and pancakes, a new thing for you to try! Dad even made you a minnie pancake - what an awesome dad you have. We spent the morning doing whatever you wanted to do - playing with toys, walking around {with our finger help}, playing with your "oggy" {Max} and reading books. You had a nap while I finished working on things for your party and then we had lunch at Costco while we picked up the last few pictures we needed for your birthday banner. We went to Walmart to buy you your first pet that's all yours {since I love Max and he's technically mine even though I think he loves you more} - a fish! It was dad's idea. We got a male beta and named him Trixin, he's red and purple and beautiful. He's currently sitting on our kitchen counter in his nice bowl with bright pink rocks, since he is after all your fish. After picking out Trixin you had another nap while dad and I finished party prep and then it was time to party!

For your party {I'll make a separate blog post with all the pictures} we had a Minnie Mouse theme. I raided Pinterest and Etsy and I'm super happy with how cute everything turned out. There was a "Happy Birthday" banner that's Minnie themed and another banner with 24 pictures of you on it - I plan to hang that one up in your room since it's so cute. We had pink lemonade with pizza and salads and 2 different kinds of cupcakes for dessert. I made the cupcakes and your smash cake and I'm actually pretty dang proud of myself - I think they looked and tasted great! Baking isn't a strong suit for me so I'm proud of myself for improving on that. Planning was a little stressful at times but I planned far enough in advance that I wasn't scrambling too bad right before your birthday. You had a lot of family come support you on your fun day and had even more family members who wanted to be there but weren't able to come. You loved seeing everyone and as always enjoyed your pizza and green beans. Cake wasn't necessarily something you ate but you loved to play with it! You got some wonderful presents and have already loved playing with them. We watched a video I made on YouTube of your first year while we ate. I loved making that video - it was very good for me to go through your pictures and realize how much you've grown and changed in your short little life.

One year. One year isn't that long, but when I think about how scary/happy/emotional your birth day was I cannot believe it was a year ago. It feels like eternity. I feel like I was pregnant SOOO long ago because I've had you to snuggle with for so long. Like I said, looking back at pictures of you growing up helped me a lot. I almost feel like it went too fast but I look back at pictures and I can remember everything. I remember where I was sitting when I took the picture or exactly what had happened right before. Someday those exact memories will fade and I'll just have the pictures to look at. I'm so glad we have technology and cameras! I think your first year would feel like it went by in minutes if I didn't have pictures to look back at all the time {and trust me, I look at pictures of you ALL the time!}. Even still, realizing some of your little phases will never come back is hard to comprehend. You're pretty much done drinking bottles so I'll never get to hold your bottle while you hold my pinky again. And that just totally made me tear up thinking about it! Things are going to change as you get bigger and there will be things I'll look back and miss. It's cliche, everybody warned me about that but I'm realizing it's true. I'd always thought I would look back and miss things that annoyed me at the time but I'm realizing I'll miss everything.

But at the same time, each new phase you enter is so exciting. I can't think of any moment in my life I'd rather be in than the one I am in now - with you as you are now, with dad and Max and this house and everything exactly the way it is now and I think that's how life should be. That you should always want life and things to be how they are now, even if you miss things from before. Does that make sense? Do I miss being able to travel and be spontaneous with dad from before you were born? Yes! Does that mean I want to go back to that and have life without you? No freaking way sister! Do I miss you being a brand new snuggly little pink ball of fabric and your snuggles? Yes! Would I trade that for your hugs and learning to give kisses right now? No way! And someday, I'll miss this but wouldn't trade it for where you are at that point. I'm just trying to enjoy each moment because it all changes fast {again, SO cliche!} and just be present and enjoy YOU as you are in this moment.

I'm so proud of the little lady you are becoming. You are the friendliest, happiest little girl I've ever known. And yes, I'm biased but still - you make friends EVERYWHERE! We have lots of situations that go something like this: let's say we're standing in the checkout line at Smith's and I'm off in lala land thinking about the total of the groceries or whatever. I hear a little giggle and look down and you're grinning ear to ear. I look behind us and there is a kindergartner or a baby or an old man or a business woman or a teenager or WHOEVER that is smiling back at you. You make EVERYONE smile! You make friends with the person who is ringing up our groceries and laugh with the bagger. You smile at the butcher while we are picking our dad's steak and he's restocking the selection. You bring SO much joy to this world, especially me and dad's world. You make your little doggy so happy - he's figured out how to open the {slightly broken} door to your room by pushing on it and he comes to check on you {and leaves the door open as a result}. You make your aunts and uncles and grandparents so happy - everyone cannot get enough of you! You love to entertain - when everyone is watching you, you'll talk and as they laugh, you light up at the reaction you are able to bring. That's such an amazing talent and skill to have, babe. Don't ever lose your ability to bring others happiness. So many things in this world make others hurt, sad or lonely and you have the power and know how, seemingly naturally, to bring others happiness. You are going to be such an amazing force for good in this world with that talent that Heavenly Father has blessed you with.

You love to say hi {see, friendly!} and have said hi before when no one is in the room with you or when you're looking at a seemingly blank space. I know that you can see more than I can and it's always in those moments that I sit and wonder about who you're talking to that the Spirit floods our home. You bring the Spirit with you so easily {maybe not during Sacrament meeting, but at home, yes!} and you still love to look at pictures of Jesus. I made you a picture book for Christmas with pictures of Christ and the prophets in it and you always look SO happy when you see President Monson's face. You almost always look at his picture in the hallway when we go to throw away garbage in the garage. You have such an amazing Spirit baby girl, thank you for bringing that to our home and to our family.

And lastly, thank you for letting me celebrate my 1 year anniversary of being a mom. I've always wanted to be a mom, ever since I was little I couldn't wait to be a mom. If I had known it was this amazing, I think it would have made waiting for you that much harder so in ways I'm glad I didn't realize how amazing it would be. Thank you for letting me kiss you when you don't want any more kisses or for letting me smell your hair after the bath, for letting me take pictures of you eating with macaroni and cheese in your hair and chocolate milk on your chin. Thank you for letting me learn how to do this mom thing with you - it is not easy but it is the most rewarding job there is. I wouldn't trade a single moment of it. I'm so grateful I get to stay home with you and spend so much of your day by your side. It isn't easy financially - we've had to make a lot of sacrifices but it is very worth it - you are worth it.

I hope you had an amazing birthday, you sure seemed to love it! I cannot wait to celebrate 99 more birthdays with you - I promise to make each one as special as I can. I kept telling dad yesterday it seemed weird to me that life was happening normally for other people - it felt like a national holiday to me!

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
My baby you'll be.

I love you Kaycee. Happy birthday sweetheart.

Love,
Mom