Tuesday, February 25, 2014


With my history of depression, I figured I would get postpartum. I was obviously hoping I wouldn't, but I was planning on getting it. For the most part, I feel great. Body wise I feel amazing - after 2 weeks I had to remind myself I had just had a baby because I felt so good. Mentally though, it's been tough. And I don't think it has anything to do with sleep {or lack thereof} - she sleeps pretty good at night and because I don't work, I am able to get a lot of sleep in the mornings. I've been having severe anxiety. Like SEVERE anxiety.

I talked about that a little bit in this post, but since then it's gotten worse. It's got to the point that I intentionally don't think about Christmas or Kaycee's 1st birthday because I'm convinced she will have died of SIDS and won't be here anymore. Convinced. Talk about a horrible way to live - it's been INSANELY difficult for me. I've talked with a few friends who are mom's and they've all told me that's normal for mom's to be worried and you just have to let it go and do everything you can to prevent it and then have faith that if it happens, it's what was supposed to happen and part of Heavenly Father's plan.

Knowing we are sealed to her didn't make it any easier - I was just convinced something would happen to her and then I'd cease to function. I've thought about how I'd feel, how I'd handle it, and when the anxiety would weigh me down to the point of barely breathing, I'd google SIDS some more and look for more ways to prevent it. If it meant standing at the corner looking north on tiptoe naked I would've done it - I was looking for ANY method to prevent it. And nothing helped. All the research was making it worse I think - reading stories of people it had happened to was making it so much worse.

I tried telling myself that I have a 25x higher chance of being diagnosed with cancer than of her getting SIDS and yet that didn't help. I tried to tell myself that car accidents are the #1 way a baby can die {according to a website I saw} and that didn't help. I tried looking at it from every angle imaginable and couldn't get past the heart stopping fear. I'd confided in Jake a few times, but I don't think I'd fully expressed how bad it was until Sunday morning - I was losing it. I told him about how I couldn't think about Christmas or her birthday because I didn't think she'd be here by then and we decided I needed a priesthood blessing.

In true Jake form, it was short but sweet. The second he put his hands on my head, I felt relief. He didn't promise that nothing would happen to her, but he assured me that I would find a way to cope with my anxiety and be ok again. And ever since I got my blessing, I feel different.

Is the fear gone? No.

Is the anxiety gone? Yes. Completely.

I've started thinking about Christmas, about her birthday, her first steps, her first words, chasing Max for the first time, running around the corner to meet dad after work, arguments about cleaning her room, the frustration of her drawing on the walls - it's all starting to come to me now.  I'm able to see it now, to think about it.

The only way I can think to describe it is like when I was pregnant. I was PETRIFIED of having a miscarriage, it's all I could think about - I didn't want to tell anyone we were pregnant in case we lost her. And Jake was sad that I was getting so down about a possibility - it was scaring both of us. So I prayed about it, and from that day forward I had this calm - this feeling that everything would be ok. That she would be ok. And that's how I feel now - everything is going to be ok. I know from other people's experiences that doesn't mean nothing will happen, but it means that I'll be ok and I can live my life without this fear weighing me down. That I can spend my time with her, enjoying her, instead of googling SIDS every 10 seconds.

Because of my anxiety though, I am following every single precaution known to man kind. She does NOT sleep on our bed, or any bed for that matter {other than her crib}. She does NOT sleep on her tummy {unless she's on me and I am awake} or on her side. She doesn't sleep with any blankets in her crib, other than the blanket she's swaddled in. Right now, I'm planning on having her sleep in our room for 6 months but we'll see how that goes haha. So if you ever see me being crazy SIDS preventative mom, you'll know why.

I'm grateful for the feeling of relief I have, the feeling that everything will be ok. It's helping me focus on the now, even though it's helping me think about the future. It's helping me enjoy the little things now, because I don't feel like I have to take 1000 pictures and videos of her so that I have something to remember her by. Yes, I want pictures so I can remember how she looks now but I don't feel like I need them as proof that she existed anymore.

Thank heavens too - I felt like I was drowning with all that anxiety, despite exercising again. I don't know how people manage when anxiety disorder - it'd absolutely consume me!

Our Princess is 6 weeks!

I am absolutely loving being a mom - it's been an amazing 6 weeks. It's been a hard 6 weeks - there are parts that are harder than I had imagined it would be, but it's not that bad. Makes me SUPER nervous for having 2 kids, that's for sure! It's amazing how many pictures I have on my phone of our little miss - she's just taking over our lives in about every way she can and I don't mind at all!

Watching TV with dad
I can't even begin to say how much I love this 
I walked out of the bedroom to get some water really fast, she turned towards the TV and was watching it when I left... 
And was asleep when I got back. 
I love this little hand
I LOVE this outfit - SO glad it's big so she can wear it lots more! 
Seriously? How is she that cute?! 
Sunday snuggles
She loves to look at lights
Just chillin'
Asleep straddling my knee
She loves watching TV with us - we've been watching lots of the Olympics 
My mom watched her while I went to Young Women's, since I don't want to take her until she's had her shots 
She spent a good chunk of time while she was at my mom's looking at the picture of Christ above the fireplace 

Sleep coma after dad fed her
Sleepy bebe
Confession - this is staged. She fell asleep like that, so Jake had me copy her
Meeting Uncle Spike for the first time
Watching Free Willy together on the couch
Morning snuggles
Going for a walk with Max
She woke up from her nap just as I was making my breakfast so I put her down on the couch for a second and she fell back asleep. Just wanted to hear mom's voice I guess
What happens when dad is in charge of watching little miss 
Life must be tough when you're that cute.

Valentines Day 2014

Last week was Kaycee's first Valentines Day! We started out the day with a bath and then a photo shoot - my sister's mother in law bought Kaycee a cute Valentines outfit, so I had to get pictures of it! Our photo shoot was... interesting...

Photo bomb anyone?
Best shot we got
The plan Jake and I had was to just stay home and have dinner and a movie together - nice low key cheap Valentines, but my mom offered to watch Kaycee that night and I couldn't pass that offer up! Jake stopped and picked up Papa Murphy's pizza on his way home from work, which would have been an awesome dinner had I not COMPLETELY burned the bottom of the pizza and the edges of the bread. Next time, don't try to cook them at the same time Ashley! We salvaged as much of the pizza as we could and then dropped her off at my mom's so we could go to the temple together.

No shortage of Kaycee snuggles that night - she was the star of their Valentines!

We went to Draper temple to do sealings together, but they were closed for cleaning. Turns out, Draper, Oquirrh, Salt Lake & Bountiful were all closed for cleaning at the same time! We called first and made sure Jordan River was open, and they were, so we went there!

It was our first time being back at the temple since our sealing and it was amazing. Neither of us had done sealings for the dead before, so it was a learning experience for both of us but we had a really good time. Afterwards, Jake got a slurpee and we went and picked up our princess. If this is how all my Valentines Day's are in the future, I could totally handle that!

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Kaycee is 1 month!

Kaycee hit her 1 month mark on Monday! It seriously blows my mind to think that it's only been a month! But at the same time, I feel like the month flew by! Here are some pictures since my last post! 

2 days after my birthday, we left her for the first time. Jake & I went to Tucano's for my birthday and left her with Jake's parents. She did great, and I didn't cry at all - just missed her like crazy! 
Our first "post Kaycee" date! 
On our date, someone asked us to help with an engagement by taking this puppy to the girl right as the guy proposed! Definitely made for a memorable, cold night! 
Kaycee went to church for the first time on February 2! I was dying over how cute she looked in her little dress. We stayed for all 3 hours because she just kept sleeping in her car seat. We decided afterwards we jumped the gun a bit and we'll be waiting until after she's had her 2 month shots before we take her back. 
Her cute bow after church
Giving mom hugs
Still loves her swing...
And her binkie {aka bink}...
And cuddling...
She had a hunger strike day and barely ate all day - I was worried sick! After a trip to her pediatrician, they said she was ok and sure enough, she started eating as soon as we got home. Little stinker! 
The day she turned 1 month, I started working out again. I did ChaLean Extreme in the living room while she watched from her swing. It went great, I just got insanely sore afterwards haha! 
The ADORABLE outfit she got from Kyle & Calli Brooks. I LOVE the little jacket! This was also taken the day she turned 1 month. 
Still has adorable little cheeks
I don't know why but I love this picture - she sure has a cute little face! 
Cuddling on my lap - they both fit if I'm reclined! 
At her 1 month mark, her longest stretch of sleep at once is 6 hours, the night before her hunger strike. I woke up and realized what time it was and it scared the heck out of me she'd slept so long. Then, she woke up and wouldn't eat anything and I was REALLY scared haha. Some other fun things are: 
  • At her 4 week appointment {from when she wasn't eating} she weighed 8 lbs 3 ounces
  • She loves her binkie - her nurse at the hospital when she was born called her Maggie Simpson and it's so true! She sucks and sucks on it. She likes the kind from the hospital, and wouldn't take the other kind that I offered her the other day. 
  • She still loves cuddling, especially with dad - she falls asleep almost immediately
  • She sleeps great in her pack n play at night, especially if white noise is going. She's napped a few times in her crib, but for the most part she naps in her swing or in my arms. 
  • She's wearing mostly newborn clothes still - today she wore her first 3 month onesie that fit. She still has a few newborn outfits that don't fit though - gotta love how each brand has different sizing! 
  • She loves the car, and can be fussing and as soon as we start moving she quiets down and is content as could be. 
  • She makes cute little faces when Max kisses her, and hasn't cried at all when he's barking. 
  • She does great at tummy time, and has moved her head from one side to the other a few times. For the most part, she wiggles around and moves her feet lots. 
  • If we swaddle her, she has to have her hands out - she loves them up by her face. 
  • She is just barely still fitting in newborn diapers - as soon as this package runs out {should be the next day or 2} she will be in size 1 diapers! 
  • She's only had 1 or 2 super messy poops
  • She still loves bath time, and doesn't cry until it's time to get out
  • She HATES lotion - getting lotion put on after her bath is a fate worse than death
  • She's quite the sneezer - her longest streak so far is 9 in a row. Sometimes after she sneezes, she'll make this little noise that's a mix between a coo and a sigh - it's the CUTEST sound ever and ALWAYS makes me and Jake laugh! 
  • She has found her hand a few times and sucked on it, but hasn't discovered her thumb {yet}
  • She's starting to "talk" more after a nap - she'll make little noises while I change her diaper and it's super cute! 

I also got the idea to take a picture once a month in the same place or with the same stuffed animal so that it's easier to see how much she's grown. I decided to do both! 

9 days old
1 month old! Look at her little tummy! 
Sure love this little baby girl - Jake & I are completely smitten with her. Parenting is harder than I thought it would be, in the sense that I'm worried about things I never thought I'd worry about before. There's lots of decisions to make and it's hard to know what the right choice is, which makes me incredibly grateful for prayer and the answers we can receive! I'm very surprised at how well I am adjusting to the lack of sleep thing - I'm still functioning pretty dang well haha!  Sometimes its hard having the house get messy, or knowing that it's 4 and I haven't made dinner yet, but I just tell myself over and over she'll only be little for so long and to try to enjoy it and not be stressed. There's a country song by Trace Adkins called "You're going to miss this" that I sing in my head ALL the time - someday, I'm going to miss this - all of it, so I'm just trying to enjoy it while I can!

It's been an awesome month - I absolutely LOVE being a mommy!! 

F Word 2.0

Figured I'd do an update on how things are going with nursing/feeding/formula, but this is going to be the last time I blog about it. I love blogging - it's very therapeutic and I love to read back since this is my only journal, but people do read this and it is personal so this'll be the last time.

Situation is not getting much better. Supply is still low, despite all the measures and steps I've taken to improve it. Despite the help from lactation consultants and the all knowing Google. And as hard as that is for me, it's ok. 

Pumping sucks. I seriously hate how my life revolves around that piece of equipment, how I feel like a failure based off the output I get. How many hours a day I spend with it. How she cries while I pump when all I want is to snuggle her. How exhausted I am at 1 AM while I sit and pump. How it costs almost as much as formula to rent the dang thing. 

At times, I can feel my depression coming back and that is NOT ok. Yes, I want to be healthy and not depressed so I can be a good mom, but I also need to avoid it so I can be a good wife so that I don't end up a single mom. Last time my depression got awful, it made every area of our lives bad and I cannot have that happen again. 

Pump rental on our hospital grade pump is up in 5 days, and I haven't decided if I want to extend the rental or not. Based off of how much I hate it, I really think I am done pumping but we'll see how the next few days go. I'm planning on praying about it, and hoping to go to the temple soon. 

Considering how at peace I feel about letting it go, I'm thinking it's for the best I stop trying. I was a wreck her first week at the thought of formula - of how I was  a failure. And I'm still sad, but I feel very different now. I feel more at peace with my decision. And I truly think that's Heavenly Father's way of helping me let go. I've tried as hard as I knew how to try, reached out for help as much as I could and it just isn't working. And that's ok. 

My biggest concern is the cost of formula, especially with me not working. That's the hardest part for me. I feel horrible that Jake works so hard, and I get to stay home, and now this super expensive thing has happened and I feel like it's my fault and Jake has to pick up my slack by helping us figure out how to afford formula. But we'll figure it out. I've never been more grateful that we don't have car payments {Thank you Dave Ramsey!}.

We're going to do what's best for us, all 3 of us. If we keep going, great. And if we stop, that's ok too. I'm not a bad mom for using formula. I'd be a bad mom if I was so intent on nursing that I starved her. And that's definitely not my plan, so I'm not a bad mom. Just gotta keep telling myself that. 

Saturday, February 1, 2014

January Family Birthday Dinner

Last Sunday, we had a birthday party with my family for the people who have January birthdays - me, Blake & Kaycee. This is the first time we have had a group birthday and I think it went great! My mom made tostadas for dinner with all the fixings, and we had brownies and ice cream for dessert. The best surprise for me was that my dad was there, so he FINALLY got to hold Kaycee!

He's a grandpa! 

She looks like she's thinking "Wait a minute who are you?"
And my sister Jeannene finally got to hold her too! When Kaycee was in the hospital, Jeannene had the flu, strep and an ear infection or some crazy thing so she wasn't able to hold her until now! 

And of course, everyone else wanted to hold her too while we were there! I didn't end up holding her at all for those couple hours with the exception of when I gave her a bottle when we first got there. Everybody just loves her!

Uncle Blake
Picture Aunt Nene took
After dinner, we opened presents! I got $20 origami style into baby shoes from Richard, a new curling iron and an infinity scarf from my mom and an auxiliary cable and air freshener for the Durango and a cute pair of pink peep toe flats from Brynne and Blake! I also got 2 outfits for Kaycee from Susan, Blake's mom - that was SOO nice of her to do that!! 

My baby shoes
Blake got Scattergories and a super huge Nerf gun from my mom, $20 origami folded into a Lego from Richard and a remote control helicopter from Jake & me. It's the same one that Jake has, Blake played with it last month and loved it!

His Nerf gun - he looks so excited!
It was an awesome party - I feel super spoiled and got everything I had asked for!