Saturday, January 25, 2014


A couple days ago, I had a meltdown. I had just had to give Kaycee formula, again, because I wasn't pumping enough. Add to that how frustrating her feeding was going - she just would not latch on, still. I just lost it - holding her in my arms, with her contentedly drinking her bottle, I just sat and sobbed. I woke Jake up for dinner and in the few words I said he could hear me holding back the tears and he had me come lay down next to him and I sobbed again. And then my mom called {we'd been texting} and I sobbed again. 

In talking to my mom, I got some really good clarity on why I was so devastated. Yes, I've always wanted to nurse my babies. Yes, I have wanted to avoid formula, specifically for the cost. But why was this ending my world? Why was I THIS upset about it? 

Because, in my crazy emotional mind, if I couldn't nurse her, if I couldn't produce enough, I wasn't a good mom. And if I'm not a good mom, she'll get taken away. And then I won't be a mom anymore. And that's wrong. And makes no sense. But that was my thought process. 

Talking to my mom helped me calm down. Yes, my supply is low but it's slowly, slowly getting better. I'm still not making quite enough to feed her but it's better than it was a week ago. And she's made progress in latching. Definitely not doing it on her own, or every time, or for very long, but she's getting better. And that made me realize I needed to be grateful. To look at the positive. 

Even if we can't get the hang of this, I CAN feed her formula. She won't starve to death. And no, it isn't what I wanted, but just because I can't nurse doesn't mean she's going anywhere. 

I had panic attacks when I was pregnant of Jake dying. Often. I've had them our whole married life but they got worse when I was pregnant. Like way worse.  And at first I got them thinking I'd lose Kaycee too but that mostly went away after some serious prayers. I still got it a little bit but not horrible. 

Blame it on the blogs I follow of people who have lost a child. Or of stories or people I know who lost their spouse so young. But it absolutely petrifies me to think of losing one or both of them. And I think about it a lot. Like A LOT. 

I'd been thinking throughout my pregnancy Jake might die because my life was just too good. I didn't have any trials, and therefore something bad was going to happen. And that something would be death. His death. 

I read once that a way to prevent SIDS is by nursing. That's part of why I'm petrified to not nurse her - what if my low supply could lead to her dying? 

First off, I'm grateful to know I'm sealed to both of them. That if, God forbid, something happened to one of them, that the separation is only temporary and that I would get to see them again, and be with them again, for eternity. It'd be devastating and nearly kill me to go throughout this life without them, but as soon as my time is done on this earth I'd be able to see them again. 

Secondly, I don't know that anything is even going to happen to one of them. Yes, death happens and is a for sure thing but I don't have any reason to think it will be soon. It's a fear I have. A fear because I feel I haven't had enough trials in my life. 

And with everything that's happening with nursing, it's helping me realize that trials come in all sizes. I don't have to experience death to experience a trial. And for me, this potential formula thing is a trial. No, it's not an earth shattering, life altering trial. It's probably not a trial at all for some people. But it's something very hard for me. 

And I'll take it any day of the week. 

Yes, it's a long night: waking up to calm her, feed her, get her back to sleep, pump and then try to get back to sleep myself. And doing it alone, might I add, since Jake works nights. But each time she wakes up crying, I say a prayer in gratitude that she's still alive. That SIDS hasn't taken her. That she's home with us and that I get to be the face she sees when she wakes, not a nurse who calls me. 

I'm grateful for my "trial". There are so many horrible things that can happen in this life, and I'm grateful for my problems and how they pale in comparison to things others go through. I'm grateful mine is so easily "fixed" - we can just buy formula at any store. 

I'm grateful beyond words for Jake. I have no idea what I'd do without him. I'm grateful for each day I get with him. For the way he looks at me, with no make up on and spit up on my clothes. For the way he holds our daughter, the way he kisses her over and over, the way she clings to him and the little voice he uses when he talks to her. For the work ethic he has, and the fact he hasn't complained once about how hard it is for him to go to work every single night after not sleeping well due to her crying or fussing.

I'm grateful I get to stay home and struggle through this each day with Kaycee. That I don't get much accomplished some days because all she wants is to be held. That I CAN hold her. For the fact that when she's sad, I'm the one who can make it better. My voice, my smell, my touch makes it better. 

I'm grateful that she's here at all. We were so lucky in how fast we got pregnant. It felt like eternity because I wanted to be trying when Heavenly Father wanted us to wait but we only tried for 5 months before we got the positive test. We had no miscarriages. We didn't have to have medical intervention. And with the exception of her very brief NICU incident, she came to earth perfectly healthy. And since then, she's had a perfectly average 2 weeks of life. 

I'm grateful Max has done so well with her. We haven't had to discuss getting rid of him, or ways to discipline him or anything. He's so good with her - just sniffs her and today gave her a kiss for the first time. He hasn't tried to nip or snap at all, which is a HUGE relief for me that I don't have to worry about having to get rid of him. 

And I am BEYOND grateful that Jake is officially moving to day shift. They've decided to no longer have temps on day shift, they'll be on swings or graves, so it's opening over 20 day shift positions. Each hired (non temp) employee interested is ranked based off of seniority and then they'll move them to a new area on days. Jake is #2 on that seniority list. He's definitely going to days. 


After 5 and a half years of graveyard (longer if you count before I met him - that's just how long I've been a part of it). Of sleeping alone 5 nights a week, sometimes 6. It's finally over. 

Its all I can think about the last few days. We'll need a new routine. I'm used to him leaving for work at 10 PM and waking up to him coming home. That's what we've done our whole time together, minus probably 2 months when we very first met. Now we'll wake up to an alarm and he'll be home by 4. Every day. I can sleep next to my husband every single night. 

So yeah, I have a trial. And yeah it's hard. But I have a LOT more to be grateful for. I have a lot going my way. The cloud has more than a silver lining. The whole cloud is silver. 

This is what my evenings look like. Loving on my 2 favorite people, with a little dog curled up at my feet. Seriously, does life get any better than this?! 

I have a lot to be grateful for. And right now I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world. 

1 comment:

  1. I love how open and honest you are. I have struggled with irrational fears also, but mine are with me. I watched my dad die of cancer, and I've been terrified that I will die that way also, and leave my girls with no mom. It's taken a few years for me to come to grips with things, and learn to deal with my anxiety. I was even on medication during the worst of it. I'd love to talk if you ever need someone who understands. I do :)

    Also, with nursing...I think another thing that makes it so hard is EVERYONE seems to have an opinion, and most of them think you are a failure if you can't breastfeed. I was in the exact same boat as you. I wasn't making enough milk. I felt I was pumping and feeding 24/7, and I was miserable. When I finally let go, and just gave her formula, life was so much better for me. I'm not saying you should quit trying, but if you decide you want to, it's OK! The fact that you have tried so hard shows what a good mom you are. You can only do so much.

    I'm loving your posts. You are reminding me so much of when my littles were that size. Thanks for giving us a peek into your world!