Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited to see her. To sleep on my back. To not waddle when I walk anymore. To do Turbo again. But I'm also really grateful she stayed in my tummy full term.
I have a LOT of friends and family members who have experienced miscarriages. That is a trial I truly hope I never have to endure. The devastation that comes following such excitement is gut wrenching. For that reason, my first trimester was really hard for me, and my family, because I was insistent the pregnancy stay a secret. I didn't want to have to "un-tell" the whole world after losing our baby. But we made it through the first semester with zero issues - no spotting, no cramping, nothing.
Enter second trimester. Just as I hit my 13 week mark, I had a friend on Facebook who had their baby premature. 22 weeks premature to be exact. Her little girl was only slightly larger than the size of a Chapstick or a debit card. She only lived a week. And it PETRIFIED me. What if that happened to us?! What if our baby came early?? All I could focus on {which is obvious if you go back and read my weekly posts through my 2nd & 3rd trimester} was how badly I DIDN'T want her to come early. And we made it through the second trimester just fine. No indication of preterm labor at all.
Enter third trimester. A lot of people started telling me how they'd gone early with their pregnancy, and I kinda starting hoping maybe Kaycee would come early. Not crazy early mind you, just before Christmas. What better Christmas present than a new baby? One of my best friends at the bank was due November 24, and I was super jealous her baby would be here for Christmas and that unless I went early, mine wouldn't. But as soon as the festivities of the season started, I immediately became grateful I wasn't due until after the holidays, for several reasons.
First, I want her birthday to be as far from the holidays as possible, so she can have her own time. My birthday is a month after Christmas and I love it! It's plenty of time, but I get things I had wanted for Christmas for my birthday a month later - it works out great! My dad's birthday is 4 days after Christmas and I remember growing up how hard my mom worked to keep the events separate, which meant we took Christmas down SUPER early so it was down before his birthday. I understand why, and look up to my mom for her efforts, but it sucked! And I know my dad wished there was more space between his birthday and Christmas too.
This year, I would have loved if she came a teeny bit early and was here during the holidays. In years to come, I wouldn't love it so much. I really want her birthday to be HER day. I want to be the mom who throws her a party every year, even if it's a family party. I want her day to be special and separate. Seperate from all other events, especially such a large and important holiday!
Second, I'm glad she didn't come before the holidays this year because sickness is going around like crazy and I know that as a first time mom I'm going to be a little paranoid about her being around sick people. I would have ended up not letting people hold her at parties or not go to an event because I didn't want her to be exposed. Because she was safely tucked in my tummy, we didn't have to worry about it and were able to go to all the events we had planned this year, regardless of sickness. And now I can just hide in our home with her and not feel bad about missing big family holiday parties!
After we made it past New Years Day, I'll admit I was a little anxious for her to come. We made it past the holidays so her birthday won't BE on a holiday, so it's time for her to come already. But it's still really close to the holidays. That'd still kinda hard to have it be so close. The farther we get, the better it'll be for her. Would it kill her to have her birthday so close? Absolutely not. If she had come then, we'd have been thrilled and learned to deal with it. But it's nice at the same time that she hasn't come yet.
And I'm not miserable. I can totally keep doing this pregnancy thing. If she doesn't come on her own, I'll be induced January 10. 7 days. Got my midwife to confirm that for us yesterday. I can wait 7 days. I've waited this long. The longer we wait, the more "cooked" she gets. And that's my goal - to have a healthy baby girl who's ready for this world and ready to live outside of my tummy. Who can leave the hospital the same time I do. So if it means I go over a week, awesome.
And I really kinda like the induction idea. Having it planned sounds great. We can leave the house clean, and not be in the middle of something and rush to the hospital. We can grocery shop the day before to make sure we are all stocked on food. Jake can give his work a hint of notice. He can get a decent night/day whatever's rest before delivery, since his graveyard schedule screws his sleep up so bad. We can get Max taken care of, which sounds dumb but is important to me. He's my fur baby and I still love him and want him taken care of while we're away.
So I'm kinda hoping she holds out until January 10. We'll see though!
At my appointment yesterday, I was dilated to a 1, 50% effaced and at a -2 station. The week before I was at a 1, 40% effaced and a -4 on station. So she's definitely progressing! She's dropping, which Jake and I can both noticeably see, and my cervix is cooperating which is great! My bishops score put me at a 5, and it needs to be a 10 before induction to help prevent a c section. At my next appointment, next Thursday, they'll check and if my cervix still needs a little push, we'll be sent to the hospital Thursday night to do some cervix prep to get ready and then be induced first thing Friday morning. So I'd end up sleeping in the hospital for 3 nights instead of 2. We'll find out if that's the plan on Thursday morning at my appointment.
Princess, if you read this some day, I want you to know I don't mind you being late. I'm so glad you stayed in my tummy as long as you did. I've been praying you would for 9 months. Every single day, I've prayed you'd stay in there until today. And I'm very grateful that you have. I'm grateful for you, and the chance I have to be your mom. I can't believe how much I already love you and I haven't even met you yet. I'm sure going to miss feeling you move around, and being able to sleep at night, but you're so worth it. I'll sleep again at night soon enough. And I'd do it all again in a heart beat. I love you so much - dad, Max & I can't wait to see you and have our first day together as our little family, with mommy, daddy, puppy & Kaycee time. But if we have to wait a week for that, it's ok. We'll survive :)
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about how blessed I am by this pregnancy. It's been so easy. I can still paint my toes, I can still tie my shoes. I've had almost no heart burn {just BARELY started 2 days ago and it's been manageable without any Tums or medication} and haven't thrown up in almost a month. No high blood pressure. No bed rest. VERY minimal swelling - I still have ankles. I'm so grateful we were able to become pregnant on our own. That we stayed pregnant. That we've had no medical complications. This has been an amazing experience, and I'm grateful everyday to my Heavenly Father for the chance He has given me to be a mom, and the faith He has in me and my parenting abilities despite my faith in myself. And above all, I'm grateful for January 3rd, and the little girl that's still safely tucked inside my tummy today.
Only 7 more days, at most, until I am a real mom. To commemorate our last weekend as a family of 3, we rented a video game and Jake played it while Max & I laid on the couch.
We had cereal for dinner. Jake's going shooting tomorrow morning with my uncle and then we'll probably go to the movies and dinner at a restaurant one last time, without a sitter and without our Kaycee. Next weekend, we'll be a family of 4. What an awesome weekend that will be!
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