Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Blood count update

So I have a feeling I'll have to clarify some of this point in coming days/weeks, especially since I'm tired and it's late but I figured I'd write a post today, since today was the day of my appointment with Dr Wallentine, my hemotologist.

It's not good. He's like really concerned about how low it is. Like I mentioned when this happened 2 years ago, I kinda thought everyone was being a bit dramatic about it. Uh nope. 

I guess people bleed to death from this, with a count higher than me. So that like increases my chances of bleeding to death. From stupid things, like flossing or brushing my teeth. Ya, until my count comes up I can't brush my teeth. Don't get too close to me lol. 

I can't do Turbo. I can't lift. And that makes me feel sick. I'm FINALLY back in my groove, where I work out even on days I don't feel like it because it's a habit. He said I could do lifting if it's with a resistance band, and I can go for walks, so I'll walk on days I should do Turbo and use resistance bands when I do ChaLean Extreme. That should {hopefully} help me not be so upset about all this. Exercise is how I want to get out stress and trust me this is adding stress. The last thing I want is to emotionally eat everything I'm feeling. 

I think the worst part of all this is that he said depending on how things go, we might be done having kids.

Uh, what? 

Apparantly it's like a miracle I was fine with Kayc. The chances of it happening again don't sound great, especially since my numbers are so low this time. He said we will talk about it in a few years, but right now it's in everyone's best interest we not get pregnant or either me or the baby or both could bleed to death. 

We weren't wanting to try for 2 years anyway. My goal is to get back into my pre pregnancy clothes, maintain for a year {since I've never maintained} and THEN try to get pregnant again. So like 2 years from now. But hearing a doctor say that we can't try sooner if we want is scary. And sucks.

Hearing I might never get to be pregnant again is... fake. It feels like an out of body experience, like I'm talking about someone else's trial. Not mine. 

At least Jake and I only wanted 3 kids - I think this would be harder to stomach if we'd wanted a small army lol.

And we'd talked about adopting anyway. Maybe we'll really do it. I don't know. It's years away and although that's scary and sad and overwhelming to think about, it's years away.

He is leaving me on the prednisone, at the dose Dr Scoffield prescribed. Every Wednesday, I'll go to the hospital in AF to get my blood drawn and each Thursday I'll call Dr. Wallentine to see if I should drop 10 mg. That's what we did last time - each week I dropped 10 mg until the taper was over and I was off the meds. 

If it works this time, and my platelets stay high as I go off the meds, great. 

If not, they'll get me back on the full dose, I'll get a few vaccinations to help me fight infections and I'll get a splenectomy. 

Splenectomys are successful 2/3 of the time. If it doesn't work, there's medications I can take for the rest of my life. I seriously do not want that. 

Last time, I felt really at peace about having the surgery and this time I feel the same way, especially since that's his recommendation if the taper doesn't work. It's going to require some time though - we need to try the meds first and do the taper.

After 2 days of prednisone, my count is up to 26,000. So it's more than doubled. That's apparently awesome. My body really reacts to the medicine, which I'm grateful for. At least I have a "quick" way of getting my count up. I just can't take this long term, hence why we have a problem. 

So for the next while, I'm on "be extremely careful" duty. Any cut could leave to bleeding that doesn't stop. It's so weird to think its that dangerous - other than being a little weak and looking like I got assaulted I feel fine! My arms are black, blue or green in 10 ish spots. Jake keeps joking he's worried people are going to think he's beating me. It's exactly what it looks like. 

The other thing that HOPEFULLY isn't related is Kaycee had low platelets when she was born. ITP isn't hereditary, so that's not it. If her levels are still low, it could mean I have something else besides ITP because I passed it on. She has zero indication of a problem right now, so we're going to get her checked at her 4 month appointment instead of right now. If she's still got a low count, then we'll know something else is going on. Dr Wallentine said something about how my low count could have transferred to her through the placenta, so her count would be low at birth but normal now. He also said low count at birth isn't uncommon, so hopefully this isn't a problem she has too. 

Really hoping the meds don't make me sick this time. I was fine last time, thankfully. Really hoping they work, but if not I'm not petrified at the thought of surgery. 

The surgery would be free {as long as it's at an in network facility}. That's a major blessing. 

And overall, I feel like the biggest blessing is how peaceful I feel. Last night I had a breakdown and was pretty convinced I was dying. That I'd miss seeing my baby grow up. Her graduation, her wedding, her being a mommy. That my husband would be left to raise her alone. That I'd have to say good bye much sooner than I ever thought. And I was freaking out. Bad. And I just got this really strong feeling as I was rocking Kaycee and bawling that I was working myself up over nothing. That I was going to be ok. That it'd all work out. And that's how I feel. It's all going to work out. I don't know what that means, but it's all going to be ok.

Especially if we're done having kids, I'm grateful for Kayc. I'm grateful everyday but it makes me even more grateful today. 

I'm grateful that I'm still at home and not I  the hospital or anything. That I'm not on bed rest. That I can still take care of me, my baby and my husband. 

I'm grateful I don't work outside the home, that I can take it easy when my body let's me know it's had too much. 

I'm grateful for the peace I feel. 

And I'm grateful for a general conference talk given just 2 weekends ago. I loved it at the time, but had no idea how much it would help me in the coming weeks. President Uchtdorf is becoming one of my favorite speakers. I'm sure it's bad to have favorites but it's true. 

I know I'll be ok. It'll all be ok. 

"It'll all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end." 

Monday, April 14, 2014

It's back!!

2 months ago, I scratched myself in the shower. Really bad. But it didn't phase me too much - I just thought it was a really bad random scratch. Then I noticed a few days later I had a random bruise on my leg and thought to myself I should try to be more careful. As the weeks have passed, I noticed more and more bruises and scratches and I realized I couldn't argue it anymore - my platelet problem might be back.

For those who are new/don't remember, my platelets were dangerously low in 2012 and while the doctors tried to fix it, we were under strict orders to not get pregnant, even though we were ready to try. In December of 2012, the problem had gone away and they said we could try to have a baby but needed to be on the lookout in case it came back. My midwives checked me throughout my pregnancy with Kayc and it never came back. Until now. 

Last week the bruising got ridiculous and I made an appointment with our family doctor for today. I have approximately 15-20 bruises all over my body, all of which have no known cause. I have minor petechia {scratches} on my arm, back of my throat and back of my neck under my hair line. I became pretty dang positive my low platelets {called ITP} was back.

So I fasted yesterday. Not that I'd be cured necessarily, but that the doctors would work well together {since it's my family dr and a hemotologist}. That whatever route they chose to fix it this time would work, that Jake & I would be on the same page as the team of doctors. {Last time we thought I needed to have my spleen removed, but the medicine "fixed" it. We'd been planning to just have surgery, not try the medicine} 

I fasted for nearly 24 hours. I've never done that before. I suck at fasting to be totally honest. But yesterday was different. I've never had a testimony building experience with fasting, but I think I have one now. 

At my appointment, I was expecting he'd draw my blood and call me tomorrow or Wednesday. But because of my history and symptoms, he decided to have me go to the hospital and have my blood work done there to be faster. He said he'd call tonight or early tomorrow with the results. We went to AF, had it done and called to get an appointment with my hemotologist. They are getting me in to see him in 2 days. He's a specialist - that's unheard of. 

And I got my blood work results back. 

The average person should have 150,000 to 450,000 platelets. 

In 2012, the lowest I got was 29,000 and they were very worried. 

Today, I only have 11,000. 

Well that sure explains my symptoms!! {I've also had a lot of fatigue - I've slept through some massive weather storms lately and not heard lots of things at night while sleeping}

Dr Scoville, my family doctor, put me back on the medication I was on before, prednisone. It's a temporary medicine though, so I can't take it long term. Not quite sure what to expect Wednesday with Dr Wallentine. He'll probably want to do a bone marrow biopsy - he wanted to last time but my count came up so we didn't do it. Maybe try a new medicine? Maybe do a splenectomy? Not quite sure. 

And I'm scared, for sure. That's like dangerously low. But I feel really... peaceful. I know I'm ok. 

And I just feel grateful. My body fixed itself long enough to get Kaycee here to earth. My pregnancy with her was great and my platelets stayed high enough I could get an epidural {if they're low you can't have one}. I stay home, so having fatigue isn't so bad when I can nap. I have an AMAZING sleeper for a baby, so I'm getting more rest than most new moms. She's also a happy, "easy" baby and it makes it easier to know what up expect, which helps on days I'm tired. 

I know I'll get through this. I knew before I would get through it. I had just anticipated having surgery and recovering before I had a baby. I am so incredibly grateful that isn't what happened. Even though surgery & recovery {if needed} with my little miss will be hard, I'd rather recover knowing Heavenly Father already blessed me with her than waiting for her to come to earth. 

And we've nearly met our out of pocket max for insurance this year, so I think that means this will all be free. Need to call my insurance tomorrow to confirm, but if so this is a HUGE blessing that surgery is happening now and not in 2012 or even next year. It's happening when we've already met the deductible & out of pocket maximum. Amazing blessing right there. 

I'm sure I'll be posting again in a few days after my appointment with Dr Wallentine, but for now just know my ITP is back and that's ok. It'll all be ok. 

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Kaycee is 3 months!

Sorry I've been a little MIA on blogging lately - having too much fun with my little miss! She is 3 months old today! As usual, I'll post some updates, but first a mass photo overload! 

This onesie was too small by the time I put it on her, but at least she wore it once!  
She's getting taller!! 
Grinny girl
Scratched her pretty face with her sharp nails - we call them her talons 
Sleepy after the grocery store
Holding onto my necklace 
Too bright on our walk
Sleepy buddies
First time in her bumbo... 
15 seconds later haha. She loves it!  
I absolutely love how snuggly she is
Watching Frozen
Stretching after she got her ears pierced. I love how she stretches! 
Her little buddy
Nakey bum!
Shopping at Holy Cow Boutique
Officially discovered her thumb!
There's a zebra in my mirror! 
I put Kaycee on the floor on her blanket, so Max dug at his blanket until it was right next to her and then he laid down too. I about melted - insanely cute!! 
Conference snuggles 
Best of friends 
Dad makes getting dresses so much more fun! 
We tried on her blessing dress and it fits! Can't wait for her blessing!! 
Her first night sleeping in her room on her own - such a grinny girl! 
Playing outside for the first time - she loved it! 
Cheesing at the grocery store
Going for a walk at Neptune park with Jake & my sister Jeannene 
Her Minnie Mouse jammies fit!  
She came to Turbo Kick with me and did awesome - just watched and grinned at us the whole time 
Monthly nearly nakey shot
Some of the outtakes from her 3 month shoot on her chair
I love how he's always right next to her! 
Some fun things from this month: 
  • She is officially sleeping through the night, and has been for nearly 2 weeks. There's been a few nights where she woke up, but I think she's officially learned to sleep 12 hours at a time! 
  • She's sleeping in her own room! Her first night in her own room was April 4, and she did awesome! Woke up once, and as soon as I gave her a little bottle she fell right back to sleep. 
  • If she's sleeping in her own room, then it's probably obvious she's sleeping in her crib. It was like a switch - suddenly she went down for naps just fine and wasn't sad about being in there. Having her nap in her crib is great, especially since I can monitor her so much easier with her video monitor! 
  • She likes lotion! No more screaming!! 
  • Her bedtime routine consists of a bath, lotion, jammies, a bottle, reading scriptures from her Book of Mormon picture book, family prayer, kisses from me & Jake and then we swaddle her, turn on her white noise on her iPod and turn out the lights. She has her last bottle around 8 PM, and wakes up at 8 AM the next day. 
  • She's started eating every 3.5 hours instead of every 3. Her average bottle is 5 ounces, eating about 25 ounces a day.
  • Right now she's in size 1-2 diapers from Costco. They seem to work pretty good - we've been pretty pleased with them. She averages between 5-6 diapers a day, which we are pretty ok with - we still haven't had to buy diapers, other than the few $5 newborn packages we bought. 
  • She only has 1 newborn outfit that still fits {her BYU onesie} and other than that, she's in either 0-3 or 3 month clothes. And HOLY SMOKES does she have a lot of 3 month clothes. Especially dresses - I'm hoping that she'll at least get to wear them all once, but there might be a few that won't get worn before they are too small. 
  • She's sleeping in a Halo sleep sack because she figured out how to get her feet out of a swaddle in the middle of the night. For naps, she still uses swaddle blankets. 
  • She's kinda given up on her binky. She takes it every now and then, but if she wants to suck on something, she'll either go for her fist or her thumb. When she sucks on her thumb, she fans her 4 fingers up and rests them on her nose. It's adorable. 
  • She sleeps through Max's barking still - THANK HEAVENS! I'd been so worried that he would wake her up - he likes to bark when he sees a cat in the backyard or a golfer, but she sleeps right through it! 
  • She's a little chatty Cathy - she loves to talk to you. When she talks to Jake, he acts like she's telling him a story and says stuff like "Oh really? How big was it? No way! What did you do next" It's the cutest thing ever. 
  • She has the cutest giggle in the universe. She loves to giggle and does it all the time - especially if you just sit and smile at her. She thinks smiling is the funniest thing ever. At first she just laughed for Jake, but now she does it for every one - she's laughed for all 3 of my sisters within the last week. 
  • No sign of rolling over yet, but I'm sure it'll happen soon! 
  • She LOVES to blow "raspberries" - she figured out how to do it about a week ago and she loves to practice, especially in the car. She has woken up in the middle of the night and started doing it while she falls back asleep - Jake & I were laughing so hard {we could hear it on her monitor}. 
  • She really likes loud music - if she's fussing in the car, turning up the music ALWAYS helps her calm down. Especially if we sing to the music. She seems to really like Roar from Katy Perry, and anything country. 
  • She almost always calms down when I rock her and sing Primary songs. Some of our favorites are "I love to see the temple", "I am a child of God" & "I hope they call me on a mission". 
  • She LOVES the sound of music and TV. We have to make sure it's fairly quiet when she's eating, or she will try so hard to see the TV that she won't eat unless she can see it too. Especially if we watch Shaytards or CTFXC, the YouTube families we watch daily. 
  • Tummy time is still going great. She is really developing lots of strength in her neck and arms. 
  • She is conceited little miss - she LOVES looking at her face. Sometimes I turn my phone camera around so she can look at herself and she LOVES seeing her reflection. I want to get a mirror for her crib for her to look at, but haven't got one yet. We attached her mirror to her play mat so that it's right above her if she's on her back and she will just talk and stare at herself for a good 30 minutes and be totally content. 
  • She definitely knows our voices - I've talked to Jake quite a few times while he's at work on speaker phone while feeding Kayc and she looks and looks and looks for him because she knows his voice. We've used Facetime a few times, and she loves to just look at him. 
  • She's started splashing some in the bath, but for the most part loves to just sit and relax in the warm water. 
I can't believe how much she's grown in the last month - it makes me so grateful for my phone and all the pictures I am able to take of her each day! She's such a happy little baby - she very very rarely cries, and if she is crying there's a dang good reason haha. I'm so grateful for the chance I have to be her mom, and to have her in my life. I really can't remember my life before her. 

Kaycee girl, mommy & daddy sure love you! Keep growing big & strong honey! Happy 3 months of being the center of our universe!  

Kaycee got her ears pierced!

2 weeks ago Miss Kaycee got her ears pierced!! Jake took the day off work, so he was able to come with me, my mom & Jake's mom to Icing to get them pierced. She did so good - only cried for a few seconds. Cleaning them has been great too - no sign of infection or tenderness or anything! Huge thanks to my mom for buying her first pair of earrings!! 

Jake & I call it her sparkly ears - I love how cute they turned out!! Sure love my mini!!

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Kaycee is 2 months!

On Monday, our little miss turned 2 months old! Time for photo overload!

Kaycee did a little laugh for the first time and we got it on camera - it absolutely melts my heart to listen to! And she's officially VERY smiley now! 
My awesome friend Jaelyn let me borrow her Moby wrap to see if I like it before I buy one - I have loved it so far! I "wear" Kaycee around the house sometimes when she won't nap and it's really convenient! 
I "wore" Kaycee while I helped my mom organize her playroom in her basement - made it SO nice to have my hands free! 
Jaelyn crocheted an adorable hat for Miss Kaycee and Jake wanted to model it 
Rocking her little hat
She fell asleep one day watching me workout. I have her watch me on days I lift, and then have her nap in her crib on days I do Turbo 
Reading books before nap time
We've had some crazy weather, and one a day that was a little cold & blustery miss & I were tire shopping, so I put a little hat on her to keep her warm. I was DYING in her cute little hat!! 
When I put her to sleep in her pack n play, her head is normally facing --> way, but she wakes up with her head facing down. Little wiggler!! 
Snuggles are the best
Fell asleep reading books 
Little cheeser is her adorable outfit!

I love that cute nose!
Meeting her Great Grandma Kay for the first time! And loving on Grandpa too :) 
Great Grandma Kay and miss snuggling
Snuggling after bath time! 
Love how she holds onto me
2 months - she looks so much bigger! 
Her 2 month appointment was last Friday and she's doing great! She's now 22.25" {49%}, weighs 10 lbs. 8.5 ozs. {37%} & her head circumference is 38.8 cm {75%}. So her percentages have stayed the same except for weight. Some fun things from this month:

  • Like I mentioned above, she is smiling LOTS now! She is a cheeser while she drinks her bottle and is constantly getting her milk everywhere because she smiles and it falls out the sides of her mouth. 
  • We started Babywise 1 week ago today and she's picked up on it like a CHAMP! Took 2 nights and then she was sleeping 7-9 hours a night straight {she'd been doing 4-5 before}. She wakes up, eats, and then goes right back to sleep for another 4-5 hours. So waking up once in a 12 hour span most nights. It's AWESOME!!! 
  • She's starting to nap better in her crib. Still doesn't love it, but she's getting much better. 
  • She's officially in size 1 diapers - goes through 6 ish a day. She averages a poopy diaper every other day. 
  • Still haven't had a MAJOR blow out, other than the 1 when she was few weeks old. Because her poop schedule is fairly consistent, I know when to expect it and can change her right afterwards. I'm sure that won't last forever, so I'm enjoying it now! 
  • She is still wearing some of her newborn clothes, but for the most part is in 3 month clothes, which means she now has a FRICK TON of clothes. Seriously, it stresses me out to look at her closet and see all the clothes she has, and to know they won't get worn as much as they should. Hopefully she has little sisters so that I don't feel so bad about all this girl stuff! 
  • She is ok with being swaddled still, as long as it's just her legs. She's always loved having her hands near her face {turbo style} so I've always just swaddled her from her armpits down. If I don't swaddle her, she doesn't sleep for very long before she wakes up.
  • She's doing awesome with the Costco brand formula, which I am SOOOOO grateful for! She averages around 25 ounces a day, spread out through usually 6 bottles. 
  • She's starting to get a little attitude with her binky - she only wants it if she's VERY sleepy and you're holding her most of the time. She won't really hold it in her mouth when she's in her seat or if she's awake. 
  • She has started to discover her hands! She sucks on her whole little fist when she's sleepy and can't find her binky. It's very cute :) 
  • I think she has a favorite book! There's a book my friend Tessa bought her that's called "Bubbles bubbles bubbles". It's a cute, short cardboard book with super colorful Sesame Street characters and miss seems to love it! We'll see if it keeps up! 
  • She still loves bath time! She hasn't really splashed or anything when she's in there, she just enjoys it and relaxes. The lotion trauma seems to be better - her last bath there was NO lotion crying! Hopefully it keeps up! 
  • She loves to talk to Jake at the end of the night. He'll say "hey" over and over again in a deep repetitive voice and she just giggles and talks back. It's adorable. Like beyond adorable. 
  • She loves to watch me with her eyes whenever I put her down - she's doing great at following objects with her eyes. 
  • We've introduced her to petting Max. We have to hold her little hand open, and then we pet Max over and over again. I think it's helping her learn and discover new textures, and it's helping Max get used to her touching him. 
  • She's ROCKING it at tummy time! She will push her head up and stay up for quite a while and just look around. If we are holding her, she lifts her head off of us and looks all around. 
  • She's very curious and loves to be look around. There are times she doesn't want to snuggle, so we sit her in our laps and let her look around. Which occasionally means she's watching TV {Yup, we let our child watch TV. Crappy parents right here}. She really likes watching TV though - kinda bad that she already likes it so much haha.  
I've always been warned to "enjoy it because they grow so fast" and I can see what people mean. But at the same time, because I am able to be a stay at home mom, I don't feel like I want it to slow down - I like the pace we're at. I can enjoy each phase without feeling like I want her to stop progressing into new stages because "she's growing too fast". I'm grateful I'm able to "live in the now" and enjoy each phase, rather than missing previous phases or wishing for future phases to just hurry and get here. 

I absolutely love being a mom - it's been an amazing 2 months. Can't wait to see what she learns to do this month! 

Kaycee girl, mommy & daddy love you more than life itself!