Wednesday, February 12, 2014

F Word 2.0

Figured I'd do an update on how things are going with nursing/feeding/formula, but this is going to be the last time I blog about it. I love blogging - it's very therapeutic and I love to read back since this is my only journal, but people do read this and it is personal so this'll be the last time.

Situation is not getting much better. Supply is still low, despite all the measures and steps I've taken to improve it. Despite the help from lactation consultants and the all knowing Google. And as hard as that is for me, it's ok. 

Pumping sucks. I seriously hate how my life revolves around that piece of equipment, how I feel like a failure based off the output I get. How many hours a day I spend with it. How she cries while I pump when all I want is to snuggle her. How exhausted I am at 1 AM while I sit and pump. How it costs almost as much as formula to rent the dang thing. 

At times, I can feel my depression coming back and that is NOT ok. Yes, I want to be healthy and not depressed so I can be a good mom, but I also need to avoid it so I can be a good wife so that I don't end up a single mom. Last time my depression got awful, it made every area of our lives bad and I cannot have that happen again. 

Pump rental on our hospital grade pump is up in 5 days, and I haven't decided if I want to extend the rental or not. Based off of how much I hate it, I really think I am done pumping but we'll see how the next few days go. I'm planning on praying about it, and hoping to go to the temple soon. 

Considering how at peace I feel about letting it go, I'm thinking it's for the best I stop trying. I was a wreck her first week at the thought of formula - of how I was  a failure. And I'm still sad, but I feel very different now. I feel more at peace with my decision. And I truly think that's Heavenly Father's way of helping me let go. I've tried as hard as I knew how to try, reached out for help as much as I could and it just isn't working. And that's ok. 

My biggest concern is the cost of formula, especially with me not working. That's the hardest part for me. I feel horrible that Jake works so hard, and I get to stay home, and now this super expensive thing has happened and I feel like it's my fault and Jake has to pick up my slack by helping us figure out how to afford formula. But we'll figure it out. I've never been more grateful that we don't have car payments {Thank you Dave Ramsey!}.

We're going to do what's best for us, all 3 of us. If we keep going, great. And if we stop, that's ok too. I'm not a bad mom for using formula. I'd be a bad mom if I was so intent on nursing that I starved her. And that's definitely not my plan, so I'm not a bad mom. Just gotta keep telling myself that. 

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