Tuesday, February 25, 2014


With my history of depression, I figured I would get postpartum. I was obviously hoping I wouldn't, but I was planning on getting it. For the most part, I feel great. Body wise I feel amazing - after 2 weeks I had to remind myself I had just had a baby because I felt so good. Mentally though, it's been tough. And I don't think it has anything to do with sleep {or lack thereof} - she sleeps pretty good at night and because I don't work, I am able to get a lot of sleep in the mornings. I've been having severe anxiety. Like SEVERE anxiety.

I talked about that a little bit in this post, but since then it's gotten worse. It's got to the point that I intentionally don't think about Christmas or Kaycee's 1st birthday because I'm convinced she will have died of SIDS and won't be here anymore. Convinced. Talk about a horrible way to live - it's been INSANELY difficult for me. I've talked with a few friends who are mom's and they've all told me that's normal for mom's to be worried and you just have to let it go and do everything you can to prevent it and then have faith that if it happens, it's what was supposed to happen and part of Heavenly Father's plan.

Knowing we are sealed to her didn't make it any easier - I was just convinced something would happen to her and then I'd cease to function. I've thought about how I'd feel, how I'd handle it, and when the anxiety would weigh me down to the point of barely breathing, I'd google SIDS some more and look for more ways to prevent it. If it meant standing at the corner looking north on tiptoe naked I would've done it - I was looking for ANY method to prevent it. And nothing helped. All the research was making it worse I think - reading stories of people it had happened to was making it so much worse.

I tried telling myself that I have a 25x higher chance of being diagnosed with cancer than of her getting SIDS and yet that didn't help. I tried to tell myself that car accidents are the #1 way a baby can die {according to a website I saw} and that didn't help. I tried looking at it from every angle imaginable and couldn't get past the heart stopping fear. I'd confided in Jake a few times, but I don't think I'd fully expressed how bad it was until Sunday morning - I was losing it. I told him about how I couldn't think about Christmas or her birthday because I didn't think she'd be here by then and we decided I needed a priesthood blessing.

In true Jake form, it was short but sweet. The second he put his hands on my head, I felt relief. He didn't promise that nothing would happen to her, but he assured me that I would find a way to cope with my anxiety and be ok again. And ever since I got my blessing, I feel different.

Is the fear gone? No.

Is the anxiety gone? Yes. Completely.

I've started thinking about Christmas, about her birthday, her first steps, her first words, chasing Max for the first time, running around the corner to meet dad after work, arguments about cleaning her room, the frustration of her drawing on the walls - it's all starting to come to me now.  I'm able to see it now, to think about it.

The only way I can think to describe it is like when I was pregnant. I was PETRIFIED of having a miscarriage, it's all I could think about - I didn't want to tell anyone we were pregnant in case we lost her. And Jake was sad that I was getting so down about a possibility - it was scaring both of us. So I prayed about it, and from that day forward I had this calm - this feeling that everything would be ok. That she would be ok. And that's how I feel now - everything is going to be ok. I know from other people's experiences that doesn't mean nothing will happen, but it means that I'll be ok and I can live my life without this fear weighing me down. That I can spend my time with her, enjoying her, instead of googling SIDS every 10 seconds.

Because of my anxiety though, I am following every single precaution known to man kind. She does NOT sleep on our bed, or any bed for that matter {other than her crib}. She does NOT sleep on her tummy {unless she's on me and I am awake} or on her side. She doesn't sleep with any blankets in her crib, other than the blanket she's swaddled in. Right now, I'm planning on having her sleep in our room for 6 months but we'll see how that goes haha. So if you ever see me being crazy SIDS preventative mom, you'll know why.

I'm grateful for the feeling of relief I have, the feeling that everything will be ok. It's helping me focus on the now, even though it's helping me think about the future. It's helping me enjoy the little things now, because I don't feel like I have to take 1000 pictures and videos of her so that I have something to remember her by. Yes, I want pictures so I can remember how she looks now but I don't feel like I need them as proof that she existed anymore.

Thank heavens too - I felt like I was drowning with all that anxiety, despite exercising again. I don't know how people manage when anxiety disorder - it'd absolutely consume me!

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