Blood count update

So I have a feeling I'll have to clarify some of this point in coming days/weeks, especially since I'm tired and it's late but I figured I'd write a post today, since today was the day of my appointment with Dr Wallentine, my hemotologist.

It's not good. He's like really concerned about how low it is. Like I mentioned when this happened 2 years ago, I kinda thought everyone was being a bit dramatic about it. Uh nope. 

I guess people bleed to death from this, with a count higher than me. So that like increases my chances of bleeding to death. From stupid things, like flossing or brushing my teeth. Ya, until my count comes up I can't brush my teeth. Don't get too close to me lol. 

I can't do Turbo. I can't lift. And that makes me feel sick. I'm FINALLY back in my groove, where I work out even on days I don't feel like it because it's a habit. He said I could do lifting if it's with a resistance band, and I can go for walks, so I'll walk on days I should do Turbo and use resistance bands when I do ChaLean Extreme. That should {hopefully} help me not be so upset about all this. Exercise is how I want to get out stress and trust me this is adding stress. The last thing I want is to emotionally eat everything I'm feeling. 

I think the worst part of all this is that he said depending on how things go, we might be done having kids.

Uh, what? 

Apparantly it's like a miracle I was fine with Kayc. The chances of it happening again don't sound great, especially since my numbers are so low this time. He said we will talk about it in a few years, but right now it's in everyone's best interest we not get pregnant or either me or the baby or both could bleed to death. 

We weren't wanting to try for 2 years anyway. My goal is to get back into my pre pregnancy clothes, maintain for a year {since I've never maintained} and THEN try to get pregnant again. So like 2 years from now. But hearing a doctor say that we can't try sooner if we want is scary. And sucks.

Hearing I might never get to be pregnant again is... fake. It feels like an out of body experience, like I'm talking about someone else's trial. Not mine. 

At least Jake and I only wanted 3 kids - I think this would be harder to stomach if we'd wanted a small army lol.

And we'd talked about adopting anyway. Maybe we'll really do it. I don't know. It's years away and although that's scary and sad and overwhelming to think about, it's years away.

He is leaving me on the prednisone, at the dose Dr Scoffield prescribed. Every Wednesday, I'll go to the hospital in AF to get my blood drawn and each Thursday I'll call Dr. Wallentine to see if I should drop 10 mg. That's what we did last time - each week I dropped 10 mg until the taper was over and I was off the meds. 

If it works this time, and my platelets stay high as I go off the meds, great. 

If not, they'll get me back on the full dose, I'll get a few vaccinations to help me fight infections and I'll get a splenectomy. 

Splenectomys are successful 2/3 of the time. If it doesn't work, there's medications I can take for the rest of my life. I seriously do not want that. 

Last time, I felt really at peace about having the surgery and this time I feel the same way, especially since that's his recommendation if the taper doesn't work. It's going to require some time though - we need to try the meds first and do the taper.

After 2 days of prednisone, my count is up to 26,000. So it's more than doubled. That's apparently awesome. My body really reacts to the medicine, which I'm grateful for. At least I have a "quick" way of getting my count up. I just can't take this long term, hence why we have a problem. 

So for the next while, I'm on "be extremely careful" duty. Any cut could leave to bleeding that doesn't stop. It's so weird to think its that dangerous - other than being a little weak and looking like I got assaulted I feel fine! My arms are black, blue or green in 10 ish spots. Jake keeps joking he's worried people are going to think he's beating me. It's exactly what it looks like. 

The other thing that HOPEFULLY isn't related is Kaycee had low platelets when she was born. ITP isn't hereditary, so that's not it. If her levels are still low, it could mean I have something else besides ITP because I passed it on. She has zero indication of a problem right now, so we're going to get her checked at her 4 month appointment instead of right now. If she's still got a low count, then we'll know something else is going on. Dr Wallentine said something about how my low count could have transferred to her through the placenta, so her count would be low at birth but normal now. He also said low count at birth isn't uncommon, so hopefully this isn't a problem she has too. 

Really hoping the meds don't make me sick this time. I was fine last time, thankfully. Really hoping they work, but if not I'm not petrified at the thought of surgery. 

The surgery would be free {as long as it's at an in network facility}. That's a major blessing. 

And overall, I feel like the biggest blessing is how peaceful I feel. Last night I had a breakdown and was pretty convinced I was dying. That I'd miss seeing my baby grow up. Her graduation, her wedding, her being a mommy. That my husband would be left to raise her alone. That I'd have to say good bye much sooner than I ever thought. And I was freaking out. Bad. And I just got this really strong feeling as I was rocking Kaycee and bawling that I was working myself up over nothing. That I was going to be ok. That it'd all work out. And that's how I feel. It's all going to work out. I don't know what that means, but it's all going to be ok.

Especially if we're done having kids, I'm grateful for Kayc. I'm grateful everyday but it makes me even more grateful today. 

I'm grateful that I'm still at home and not I  the hospital or anything. That I'm not on bed rest. That I can still take care of me, my baby and my husband. 

I'm grateful I don't work outside the home, that I can take it easy when my body let's me know it's had too much. 

I'm grateful for the peace I feel. 

And I'm grateful for a general conference talk given just 2 weekends ago. I loved it at the time, but had no idea how much it would help me in the coming weeks. President Uchtdorf is becoming one of my favorite speakers. I'm sure it's bad to have favorites but it's true. 

I know I'll be ok. It'll all be ok. 

"It'll all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end."