Saturday, January 21, 2012

Not my proudest moment

Last Sunday {January 8} my mom called to tell me that my Grandpa {Poppa} was in the hospital because he had a heart attack. I usually try not to cry over health stuff until we know how serious it is but I lost all control and was crying pretty bad. We found out it wasn't really had a heart attack and was kidney stones with a combination of a urinary tract infection. My mom decided to go out to California {where Poppa lives} with my step dad and be with my grandpa during the surgery and doctor consultations. That's why my sister Popper was staying with us. After we found out that my grandpa was going to be ok and that he wasn't dying, I felt relieved and then got a really strong impression that I needed to visit my Grandpa that lives here in Utah - my grandpa "Beebaw". He is my dad's dad and lives in Orem. It seemed like a good idea but with working 6 days a week, my schedule is a little insane right now so I figured I would make time next month to go see him.

This past Tuesday, I got a text from Brynne {my sister} and my mom while I was at work saying that Beebaw was in the hospital but they didn't know why or what was wrong. I called my Aunt Shauna to see what the problem was and how bad it was and found out that he had some flu/pneumonia like symptons and they were testing to see if it was Sepsis. If it was sepsis, he most likely wouldn't make it through the night. The ICU wasn't allowing any visitors so I couldn't go see him. I came home from work and was a wreck - I felt so bad that I hadn't gone to see him when I got the feeling I needed to. No news came that night, and by the next morning he was still in the ICU but he was still alive so I took that as he was getting better. I went to work but mentioned what was going on to my supervisor in case I needed some time off. I got a call from Brynne later that night letting me know she had gone to see him and that if I wanted to go see him, I should hurry and do it soon.

She told me that he was in a coma. And no one had mentioned that to me. And he did have sepsis. She told me he looked horrible - lots of tubes going into him and he had a ventilator in his mouth. I got home from work, changed my clothes and grabbed Jake and we went down to the hospital. And I lost it as soon as we got into the waiting room and saw my mom and Jeannene & Lauryl. I calmed down and went back with Jeannene to see him and lost it all over again. It was horrible. I squeezed his hand and walked out and then went back in with Popper and asked the nurse about some of the things he was hooked into and why he wasn't awake, etc. After that we left the hospital to get some dinner and tried to act normal without being morbid.

I just feel like this is all a dream. I'm at work - its about 12:30 on Saturday and they just took him off the life support. And I am at work. I feel horrible that I am not at the hospital but I don't like asking for time off unless it is really justified. We are short handed at the bank anyway and this would be a burden on my co workers. But I am missing his final moments here on earth. The past few days, I have felt very comforted and very at peace that he will be in a better place soon with Grammy {my Grandma that passed away in 1996} and Nana Jean {his second wife who passed away in 2010 I believe}. I just miss him already and I feel SO sick that I didn't go see him when I had the prompting to. I'm sure I'll blog about this in a few more days after we know more but it is looking like he won't make it through the day.

Thank heavens for the Gospel, and for the knowledge I have that my family is sealed together. I know that I will see him again. And I know that he is going to have so much to talk about with our Savior when he is met at the gates. I just wish he didn't have to go yet. He has a great grandchild on the way - his first {Kyle & Eliza are expecting} and he won't get to meet in this life. But he will be in a better place, free of pain and sorrow and with our Savior. And he can send all of his future great grandkids down with a kiss <3

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry Ash! :( My grandpa died of a very similar thing and we didn't get to spend time with him either. Almost our entire family was out of town when it happened. So grateful for the gospel and the comfort we receive from it. Hang in there girl!