Wednesday, March 27, 2013

My mission

This morning, I was reading one of my favorite "beauty" blogs - The Small Things Blog - and she was talking about her mission statement. And I loved it! I feel like lately my life REVOLVES around how I am doing on my diet and how often I am working out and that's not healthy or safe or how I want to be. And part of that is because of my weekly posts about how I am doing. And yes, it's important that I be accountable for how I am doing on eating. But I don't want it to consume my life. I don't want it to BE my life.

As I have said {and you may know} a 1000 calorie deficit a day burns 2 pounds a week. Lately, if I don't have that much of a deficit in a day I feel like a failure and screw up on how I eat for the rest of the day and then the rest of the week. That makes no sense. At all. A deficit of any kind is better than going OVER but that's not how my brain thinks. Which is why I want to work on not binging - that way, it will help me see that it's ok to eat more if I am hungry, but no reason to eat the whole kitchen just because I had a bad day.

And I am realizing that I binge 99% of the time if Jake isn't there. Because I don't want him {or anyone} to see me like that. And that's got some weird emotionally tie to it I'm sure - if I eat without Jake, then mentally it messes with me and I feel it's ok to eat whatever I want in gross quantities? I don't know - it doesn't make sense to me. But either way, I don't want to regain weight. And that is EXACTLY what is happening.

Because I broke up with my scale, I don't know what my weight is, but I KNOW my clothes aren't fitting the same. And that has GOT to stop - I have got to get control of my eating before I just lose control and all my hard work goes out the door. So I am working to make my deficit less dramatic - only around 600 calories {which means I get to eat an extra 200 or 300 some days} and man that extra food is great haha. I am loving getting to eat so much! And I have started working out for fun. This morning, I did Turbo Jam instead of Turbo Fire. Don't burn as many calories but hey - I still burned over 450 so it's ok! I need to figure out a way to maintain and do this for life. I don't want to do a deficit of X amount for 3 months and then change everything and go over board and gain again.

I'm trying to not do extreme's - I don't want to say that I will never eat fries or a cheeseburger or ice cream ever again. Because when I do have that thing, I will eat as much as humanly possible because I won't ever get to have it again after this one time and that's SO not healthy.  Ok this is turning into me talking about food failures. Not the purpose of this blog post.

Kate {from The Small Things Blog} said something about how she wanted her mission statement to start with "I exist". I LOVE that. I don't exist to workout. I don't exist to eat vegetables. My whole intention with losing weight was so that I could have a healthy pregnancy or two or three and be a good mom to my kids and be a healthy wife. Someone my husband can be proud to say "Yep, that's my wife". And hopefully, have him say something about a "smokin hot wife" haha. But my goal in life is not to spend hours at the gym to have 6% body fat. That is NOT what I want in life. But I look at pictures and people who have achieved that and I get all down on me for not having achieved that. And that's dumb - that ISN'T what I want, so why would I be mad if it's not what I have?

I exist to be a wife, to someday be a mom. I exist to share the gospel and show others through the light that is sometimes coming out of my being that following the Lord is the only way to live a happy life. I exist to show Satan how stupid he is - that my body really IS a temple, that families CAN be together forever, that mistakes CAN be resolved and forgotten. But I don't want my mission statement to have the word Satan in it. So let's just re arrange that - I exist to be a member a family that is together forever {coming shortly - only a month or so!!}, to have a healthy body that is capable of leading me to motherhood and to be an example and a disciple of Christ. Holy smokes that's deep sounding. And intense. And kinda church-y sounding. But it's true - those are the things that mean the most to me in life. THAT is why I get up every day. THAT is why I keep putting one foot in front of the other on bad days. THOSE are the things I truly want in this life.

It feels good to have that clarity.

And because I have realized that I don't have anything to post about every week with my healthy lifestyle stuff {since a scale is not involved} I won't be posting about that every single Monday or whatever - just whenever something happens that I feel the urge to post about :)

Stay tuned for lots of blog posts to come - Clint is proposing to Macy tonight. We just got back from a super fun weekend in St George. I got my extensions moved up again and have some pictures this time! Easter is this Sunday. We just booked a trip to Las Vegas - in 2 weeks! We start installing our fence in like 10 days. We have some AWESOME stuff going on right now!! Be prepared for post OVERLOAD!!

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