Torn

So last Sunday {the day I was called the be in the Young Women's Presidency}, it was fast Sunday. And there were SOOO many people who bore their testimony regarding suffering through trials and how they can see the light at the end of the tunnel and how looking back they are so grateful for their trials. And then in Relief Society, Jaelyn taught our lesson {LOVE that girl - seriously LOVE her!} about how to accept help from those around you when you are going through a trial because it provides others the chance to serve, and it can help ease your burden.

During Sacrament Meeting, Jake looked over at me and we passed our iPad back and forth as we passed a "note" asking if the other person felt like we were going through any trials right now. And neither of us did {and then we knocked on wood haha}. We both feel like life is pretty dang close to perfect - no trials at all for us right now. And I felt the exact same way during the lesson in Relief Society. It was an awesome lesson - but I just didn't feel like I was going through a trial.

And then all last week, I was feeling pretty low {as I mentioned in last Monday's post}. I was thinking it was just because of the weather, because I had a bad day, behind on sleep, missed a workout, whatever - lots of reasons for having a bad day. But I just keep feeling it - that little nagging kinda sad feeling in the back of my mind. So I decided to really think about it and try and figure out what's causing it. What it is that's making me sad.

And then yesterday after church, someone approached me and said that they had heard that I was having fertility problems and had a product they wanted me to try because it has helped lots of other people get pregnant. I was really caught off guard and taken by surprise. First off, I don't want to try stuff. Soap box moment - church is a place of worship. Not a sales place. Don't sell my stuff while I am at church. Ok off of soap box now. I told her that I would talk to Jake and let her know. And then the sad feeling came back SUPER strong and it just hit me. She said I was infertile.

Ok what?! Jake and I have only been "trying" for 2 months. And I don't even know if I would say we are trying. We just aren't preventing. We are hoping, but we aren't taking ovulation tests. We aren't super focusing on plantin' a seed on the days my body is predicted to ovulate if you catch my drift. {Holy that was awkward haha. My mother reads this. My in laws read this! AWKWARD!!} But we {read I} have been super hoping each month {for 2 months} that we would be pregnant. And we aren't. But that doesn't mean I'm infertile, does it?

That doesn't mean I need to start taking something for it already. I don't think we are anywhere near that desperate. But I am sad. Well, sad yes. More jealous. I have a few really good blog friends that are expecting or just had a baby and seeing all of their fun posts about showers and cute baby clothes and decorating the nursery and feeling sick and then labor and then cute faces their baby makes and who the baby looks like and all that is just sad for me. And that's AWFUL - I should NOT be sad when someone else has something amazing. I am jealous, that's all I should be. It shouldn't make me sad. That's so selfish.

And while I want to give myself a written pep talk - about how I have so much to be grateful for, I can't do it today. Today, I'm just jealous. Today, I just want a baby. I don't want to worry about getting pregnant. And I don't want to worry about having a miscarriage. I just want to get pregnant. And know I will stay pregnant. How many women have wanted that though haha. I am DEFINITELY not the first one. And I know a lot of people have gone through this. And I know I will come out a better person for having to wait. I know that I will love my baby that much more because it wasn't super easy to get them here. But it hasn't even been that long!!! Why am I feeling like we have been trying for years and nothing has happened?

Probably because I felt so strongly that if I lost weight, it would help us have a baby. And that was a little over a year ago that I started losing weight. So maybe I DO feel like we have been trying for over a year. But we haven't.

And I wanted to be sealed before we have a baby. And we aren't. Yet.

So it's a "good" thing that we aren't pregnant yet.

But having someone tell me that they heard I was struggling with infertility about killed me. Because that's what I have been saying to myself. That something is wrong with me. That there must be a reason I haven't got pregnant yet. Because someone else in my life - an ex boyfriend - told me the same thing, right after we broke up - something must be wrong with me and I must not be able to have kids. Having this person at church, someone besides me & besides my lame ex, tell me that I was having infertility struggles SUCKED.

And then Satan does his magic and suddenly I'm thinking maybe I'm not supposed to be a mom. Maybe Heavenly Father doesn't trust me with one of his children. Maybe because of my crazy depression bi polar stuff, I would be an awful mom. And now all I can think about is why on earth I'm not pregnant yet. BUT WE HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN "TRYING" YET!!! We just aren't preventing. My gosh I feel INSANE right now!!

I feel so much better writing this out though, even if it is embarrassing knowing that people will read it and know that I am just straight up crazy. But I feel better writing it down. That's the point of making my blog - to write down how I am feeling so that I can get it out and feel better. And so that I can remember. One day I am going to look back and laugh that I was so mad we weren't pregnant yet and I'm gonna wish for some peace and quiet. Today though, I want a baby. And I want one NOW! Haha. And I REALLY don't want people telling me that I am struggling with fertility. So if you run into me before I get pregnant, you've been warned - DON'T SAY I AM INFERTILE!!! Or I'll go all sortsa CRAY-CRAY on you!!