A new habit

This past Tuesday, I woke up and went downstairs to work out and couldn't get my DVD player to work - after 20 minutes of trying. I was SUPER frustrated, and rather than finding another workout to do, I just didn't work out. I came upstairs and decided I would just go to work a little early since I had some spare time from not working out. And then, I got this feeling I should read my scriptures with that extra time.

I haven't been so stellar at reading my scriptures, to say the least. Like I can't remember the last time I read them when it wasn't during Sacrament Meeting on Sunday. And that has nothing to do with not wanting to, or not remembering. I remember every single night before I go to bed, but usually Jake is still sleeping {it's right before he wakes up to go to work} and I don't want to turn the light on, and I'm too lazy to go in another room and read, and I hate reading them on my phone, so I just don't read them at all. And that's been going on for MONTHS. The other day, I was trying to find a time to read them when I wouldn't have to fight that problem but came to no conclusion that would work. So when I got this feeling to read them in the morning with my extra time, I was kind of excited that at least one day I would get them read.

So I made my breakfast and sat down at the table to read. Oh my gosh. I usually eat standing up while I pack my lunch. So getting to sit down was amazing. So relaxing and so nice. I should do that more often haha! And I got really into my scriptures. I am in Alma right now, one of my very favorite parts of the Book of Mormon. After what felt like a few minutes of reading, I looked up to realize I had been reading for half hour. 30 minutes! That has NEVER happened to me before! I read a quick chapter of the book Brynne got me for my birthday "Happy Like Jesus" and then threw my dishes in the dishwasher and hurried to get ready for work. And all day long, I just felt different. I felt awesome. And I knew, all day long, that I had already got my reading done. I had the Spirit with me. It was AWESOME! So I decided to incorporate it into my morning routine.

So rather than waking up earlier to make time, I started making my lunch the night before so that I can spend THAT time in the mornings reading. It has worked awesome so far! Yesterday, I was just having a weird morning and ran out of time - super bad planning apparently - so I went for a walk with Max last night and listened to the audio of the Book of Mormon as we walked 3 miles. Can I get a Drop of Awesome?!

This is what my mornings look like - my book, my scriptures, 2 pieces of toast {1 with honey} and 5 scrambled egg whites with salsa. I have a piece of fruit too, it just wasn't in this picture

I am very proud of myself that I have found the time to read my scriptures. When it comes to workouts, you have to schedule them - you don't find time, you make time. The same is true with scripture reading. I have been thinking I would find the time, and then I was surprised when I didn't. You have to make the time. And I have found a time that works for me. In the morning, before anything else can interrupt me. Just like my workouts. Loving this new habit!!

Weigh in Wednesday: Hard

For the past week, I have been thinking is how hard it is to lose weight. And I couldn't figure out why I thought that - I have lost 125 pounds for goodness sake! But these last 18 I want to lose are just killing me {weigh in for the week was 168}. I have been having the mind set that I need to just do something for the next few months until I hit goal and then I can change what I am doing. And that is wrong. I keep thinking I can just eat healthy until I get pregnant and then take 9 months to eat whatever I want. Wrong {although I am sure there will be some "naughty" food in there somewehere}. Or that I need to eat healthy until we get sealed {got pictures to look good for!} or until Clint & Macy get married {it's coming - gotta look good for THOSE pictures!}. But that's all wrong - what I do now is what I will do forever. I don't WANT to do a diet that's temporary. I committed to make a lifestyle change.

Words can't express how much I love this - it's all hard. Choose your hard.

I was reminded the other day about "the Beebaw diet". A while back, a personal trainer at XSI in Lehi was telling Brynne & me about how you should eat like a king in the morning, like a prince at lunch and like a pauper at dinner. Brynne immediately said - "that's how Beebaw lost his weight too - it works!". For those who don't know Beebaw is my dad's dad who passed away last January. Amazing man, wonderful grandpa. I have so many wonderful fond memories of him. The last few years of his life, his doctor told him that if he didn't lose some weight and get his diabetes under control, he might lose the use of his limbs. Although that worried Beebaw, he wasn't too scared. And then the doctor told him he might go blind. Yep, Beebaw got a gym pass the next day. My grandpa LOVED to read - he had like 4 PHD's, 3 masters degrees, and 12 bachelors degrees or some crazy thing. He taught at BYU until he passed away. He LOVED learning, reading & learning about the Savior through study. So learning he might lose his vision was NOT ok. And he did this whole king, prince, pauper thing and he lost a LOT of weight. I remember seeing him after WAY too long and thought - wow why on earth are you so skinny?! He seriously lost a LOT of weight. And he still ate normal people food. He just walked around a track. But he lost weight. Because nutrition is 80% of the battle.


One of my favorite movies of all time. Best quote in the movie!

So anyway, the thought came to me the other day that I should do the Beebaw diet. So I figured, hey why not. I'll give it a shot. HOLY SMOKES! I wish I had listened to that personal trainers advice a long time ago and done this sooner!! Ok, first off - I eat around 1400 calories a day. Some days it's closer to 1500 - usually in that ball park though. Depends on how many calories I burned in the morning, since I am aiming for a 1000 calorie deficit each day. I used to eat around 200 calories for breakfast. Now I am doing 400. And let me tell you - when I look at my breakfast each morning, I feel like I am eating an absolute FEAST. It looks like SO much food compared to what I used to eat. But it's all healthy. And I count all the calories, and measure it all out still. And guess what? Morning snack comes, and I'm a little hungry but not starving. Before, morning snack could NOT come fast enough.


This girl is one of my heroes. Seriously. Chalene Johnson, you have saved my life. And I have this hanging on my wall - it is NOT supposed to be easy.

And then lunch comes, and I'm still not all that hungry. So afternoon snack comes and I'm feeling like I could eat something but I am not starving, and then dinner comes and I eat under 300 calories and feel TOTALLY fine. On a day with an intense cardio workout, with an 8 hour work day, with running errands and doing laundry, I feel totally full and content on 1400 calories. That was NOT happening before. Tell you what. I was hungry. And grouchy. And irritable. And depressed because I wanted food danggit and now, I don't feel that way. I don't even think "ok time for dessert" because I honestly feel like there is no room in my stomach for it. And I am eating the EXACT same amount of calories. Even a little bit less!! This works!! I totally wish I had done it sooner!!

And it doesn't hurt that I am eating 6-8 servings of vegetables a day lately. That seems to help a ton. Vegetables have very low calories, but they take up lots of space in my stomach so I don't feel hungry when I eat them. And I have been buying vegetables I want to eat, not just ones on sale or whatever. If I want some tomatoes, then guess what? I buy tomatoes. I wanted asparagus the other day, so yep - I bought some. And I look forward to getting to eat my yummy vegetables I am looking forward to.

And I realized that there is no reason to only have 1 serving of fruit a day. If I have the calories, I can have more fruit. So I started having 3 servings a day. Oh my gosh - that has completely helped my sweet tooth. I know that I have a juicy peach or a crunchy apple or a cup of berries with greek yogurt waiting for me at my next snack, so sugar hasn't been tempting. I wish I had started incorporating fruit into my diet more sooner - it has helped a TON!

I can do hard things.

Yesterday I went over my list of Crazy Cool -  things that would be AWESOME if they happened this year. And there were a few that weren't so exciting, or wouldn't be happening this year so they needed to be replaced. One of the new items on my list is to have gone 60 days without a binge. That would be SO stinkin' awesome! I would be SOOOOO proud of myself. So guess what? I am on day 4. And that's not a huge deal - weekdays are relatively easy for me. But now I have something to think about on the weekends - a REASON to not binge.

I decided my definition of not binging is that I have to write down everything I eat. EVERYTHING. Like I said, weekdays I do awesome. Weekends, not so much. So I am going to keep an accurate journal, since my body keeps an accurate journal. It knows if I eat something that I didn't write down.

And I am feeling SO PUMPED right now! I am proud of myself for the changes I have made and how well I am doing. I missed my workout yesterday {dumb DVD player was being lame and it didn't occur to me to jump on the elliptical or do Turbo Kick} and I still ate PERFECT. PERFECT!! NO BINGING!! AND I HAD YOUNG WOMEN'S LAST NIGHT! People - that does NOT happen. I screw up when I am away from my house. I screw up when I don't workout. When there is cookies in front of me. And there was. And I did NOT screw up. HECK YES!!!

Got a good sweat picture this week - this was last Wednesday after Elliptical and Lean Circuit 3. Lean Circuit 3 is pretty much all chest - tons of push ups and chest work. And my body was feelin' it. But look at that sweat!!! I was SOO proud of myself!

Can't wait to tell you on Monday that I am on day 9 without a binge. Can't wait to report how good I feel from how I have been eating. This week, one of my goals is to take pictures of a few yummy things that I eat. So stay tuned for next week!

Torn

So last Sunday {the day I was called the be in the Young Women's Presidency}, it was fast Sunday. And there were SOOO many people who bore their testimony regarding suffering through trials and how they can see the light at the end of the tunnel and how looking back they are so grateful for their trials. And then in Relief Society, Jaelyn taught our lesson {LOVE that girl - seriously LOVE her!} about how to accept help from those around you when you are going through a trial because it provides others the chance to serve, and it can help ease your burden.

During Sacrament Meeting, Jake looked over at me and we passed our iPad back and forth as we passed a "note" asking if the other person felt like we were going through any trials right now. And neither of us did {and then we knocked on wood haha}. We both feel like life is pretty dang close to perfect - no trials at all for us right now. And I felt the exact same way during the lesson in Relief Society. It was an awesome lesson - but I just didn't feel like I was going through a trial.

And then all last week, I was feeling pretty low {as I mentioned in last Monday's post}. I was thinking it was just because of the weather, because I had a bad day, behind on sleep, missed a workout, whatever - lots of reasons for having a bad day. But I just keep feeling it - that little nagging kinda sad feeling in the back of my mind. So I decided to really think about it and try and figure out what's causing it. What it is that's making me sad.

And then yesterday after church, someone approached me and said that they had heard that I was having fertility problems and had a product they wanted me to try because it has helped lots of other people get pregnant. I was really caught off guard and taken by surprise. First off, I don't want to try stuff. Soap box moment - church is a place of worship. Not a sales place. Don't sell my stuff while I am at church. Ok off of soap box now. I told her that I would talk to Jake and let her know. And then the sad feeling came back SUPER strong and it just hit me. She said I was infertile.

Ok what?! Jake and I have only been "trying" for 2 months. And I don't even know if I would say we are trying. We just aren't preventing. We are hoping, but we aren't taking ovulation tests. We aren't super focusing on plantin' a seed on the days my body is predicted to ovulate if you catch my drift. {Holy that was awkward haha. My mother reads this. My in laws read this! AWKWARD!!} But we {read I} have been super hoping each month {for 2 months} that we would be pregnant. And we aren't. But that doesn't mean I'm infertile, does it?

That doesn't mean I need to start taking something for it already. I don't think we are anywhere near that desperate. But I am sad. Well, sad yes. More jealous. I have a few really good blog friends that are expecting or just had a baby and seeing all of their fun posts about showers and cute baby clothes and decorating the nursery and feeling sick and then labor and then cute faces their baby makes and who the baby looks like and all that is just sad for me. And that's AWFUL - I should NOT be sad when someone else has something amazing. I am jealous, that's all I should be. It shouldn't make me sad. That's so selfish.

And while I want to give myself a written pep talk - about how I have so much to be grateful for, I can't do it today. Today, I'm just jealous. Today, I just want a baby. I don't want to worry about getting pregnant. And I don't want to worry about having a miscarriage. I just want to get pregnant. And know I will stay pregnant. How many women have wanted that though haha. I am DEFINITELY not the first one. And I know a lot of people have gone through this. And I know I will come out a better person for having to wait. I know that I will love my baby that much more because it wasn't super easy to get them here. But it hasn't even been that long!!! Why am I feeling like we have been trying for years and nothing has happened?

Probably because I felt so strongly that if I lost weight, it would help us have a baby. And that was a little over a year ago that I started losing weight. So maybe I DO feel like we have been trying for over a year. But we haven't.

And I wanted to be sealed before we have a baby. And we aren't. Yet.

So it's a "good" thing that we aren't pregnant yet.

But having someone tell me that they heard I was struggling with infertility about killed me. Because that's what I have been saying to myself. That something is wrong with me. That there must be a reason I haven't got pregnant yet. Because someone else in my life - an ex boyfriend - told me the same thing, right after we broke up - something must be wrong with me and I must not be able to have kids. Having this person at church, someone besides me & besides my lame ex, tell me that I was having infertility struggles SUCKED.

And then Satan does his magic and suddenly I'm thinking maybe I'm not supposed to be a mom. Maybe Heavenly Father doesn't trust me with one of his children. Maybe because of my crazy depression bi polar stuff, I would be an awful mom. And now all I can think about is why on earth I'm not pregnant yet. BUT WE HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN "TRYING" YET!!! We just aren't preventing. My gosh I feel INSANE right now!!

I feel so much better writing this out though, even if it is embarrassing knowing that people will read it and know that I am just straight up crazy. But I feel better writing it down. That's the point of making my blog - to write down how I am feeling so that I can get it out and feel better. And so that I can remember. One day I am going to look back and laugh that I was so mad we weren't pregnant yet and I'm gonna wish for some peace and quiet. Today though, I want a baby. And I want one NOW! Haha. And I REALLY don't want people telling me that I am struggling with fertility. So if you run into me before I get pregnant, you've been warned - DON'T SAY I AM INFERTILE!!! Or I'll go all sortsa CRAY-CRAY on you!!

Enjoying it while I can

I get to read a lot, thanks to my slower paced job. Last time I posted about reading, I had just finished "Uglies" - the first book in a series of 4. I have since read the remaining 3 books in that series. They were ok - not my favorite but pretty good. First book was my favorite. Then I moved onto "Look Again". My mom recommended it to me. It's about a woman who realizes that the son she adopted was actually kidnapped so her adoption is void. It was pretty intense - loved it! Read it in 2 days, 3 tops.

Then I started "Carousel" from Richard Paul Evans. Read that in 2 days. Pretty good book. His books all kinda seem the same to me though. And then I started "Deadline" from Clair M Poulson this morning at work. And just finished it. Yeah, I read an entire book in one day. And it's a Saturday! I got about 70 pages read at work and then read the remaining 200 ish pages while Jake was helping his buddy Nick move. Yeah, on a Saturday night while my husbands away I read a book. Man I'm lame!

Time for a new book. I have a few "self help" type books I want to read - maybe I'll do one of those next? Either way, I'm enjoying all the reading time while I can!

Totally saw this coming...

So last year, I went to Girls Camp with my sisters - you can read about that here. And when I left camp, I kept thinking over and over again - "I want to be put in Young Women's so that I can go to camp!!" 2 ish months later, I got called to the be the Relief Society Secretary in my ward. I was incredibly surprised - I feel like I am still too "young" to be in that serious of a calling, mainly because I don't have kids. But I was called and I really enjoyed serving in that calling. Yes, enjoyED. Past tense. I was released on Sunday.

Like I said, I was the secretary. I served with Shannon Sotelo as President, Angie Woodward as 1st Counselor for a while and then Jaelyn Lovell, and with Betsey Richardson as 2nd Counselor. Seriously, AMAZING women. I feel so intimidated everytime I am with ANY of them because of how amazing they all are. I am so grateful I got to work with all of them - I know that it has helped me build really strong, lasting relationships with each of them and I consider them all friends now.

About 3 weeks ago, Shannon let us know she was moving. We were all way bummed - with the president moving, the whole presidency would be changing. But at the same time, she had been in for almost 3 years, so we had been thinking she might be released soon anyway. Still, hearing that Shannon was moving and that it was FOR SURE going to be changing was kinda sad.

But at the same time, about a week before hand, I had this really strong feeling that I was going to get called to Young Women's. The 1st Counselor {Era Lindsay} was moving to Vegas and I just kinda kept thinking that maybe I would be called there. But I had only been in Relief Society for like 6 months - there was no way I would get removed already. And then I heard that Shannon was moving. And I just kinda knew - I was going to be put in Young Women's.

But I couldn't exactly post that on the blog - just in case I was wrong. And because Shannon moving was kind of a secret at first. So I told a few people, so that I had "witnesses" that I knew it was coming. I kinda knew that I was going to get called to Relief Society but I didn't tell anyone and then when I was called it sounded super lame when I said I knew it was coming. This time around, I made sure to tell a few people. I mentioned it to Jake, and I mentioned it to Betsey, who had previously been in Young Womens before she got called to be in the Relief Society Presidency.

And then nothing happened for a few weeks. And then last Sunday {February 24}, Shannon told us that they were pretty sure they had sold their house and would be moving within a month. Before, we had been thinking we had a few months since they are building a new house. Yeah, not so much - the change was coming FAST. Then Shannon found out that none of her counselors {me, Jaelyn or Betsey} were the new Relief Society President but that we might all still be called as Counselors. And I kept thinking "No - I don't want to be a counselor - I want to be in Young Women's" and then would immediately argue with myself that I would serve wherever the Lord asked me to.

And then the doubts started creeping in - why on earth would I think that I would be good in Young Women's? I wasn't exactly the best teenager. I don't have kids - I can't relate to these girls on a motherly level. So then I started trying to get used to the idea of staying in Relief Society, potentially as the secretary, under a new President. And I just couldn't shake the feeling that wouldn't be where I ended up. But I kept praying that no matter what, I would be willing to serve in the calling I got.

And by Saturday, I hadn't heard anything from the Bishopric. And Shannon text us all to say they were announcing the new presidency on Sunday. So that must mean I am not in the new presidency right? But why didn't they call to say I had been released? Betsey, Jaelyn & I text each other at least once a day to see if anyone else had heard anything and nope - none of us had been called to come meet with the Bishop, either about being released or about being in the new presidency or anything. So I started to feel "relieved" - maybe I wouldn't be in the new presidency after all.

And don't take that wrong - I loved being in the presidency! But it was a lot more work than I thought it would be - mainly in the naive department. I live in a little bubble, thinking that because Joe & Suzie Q drive super nice cars and have a big house, their life is perfect and rainbows and butterflies and that they have no problems whatsoever and this calling made me wake up real quick to the needs of the women in our ward - financially, spiritually, physically & mentally. I learned things that stressed me out. I was ALWAYS depressed after Presidency meetings. ALWAYS. So the thought of not being in the new presidency did feel like a relief - I wouldn't have to carry that burden anymore.

And then my phone rang Saturday night. And the caller ID said it was Jason Cann. He's our home teacher {absolutely LOVE him - he has been a HUGE part of getting Jake active again} but he is also the Executive Secretary. And I was panicking - they CAN'T call me to be in the new presidency! I almost didn't answer the phone, but I caved last second and guess what - a member of the Bishopric wants to meet with me the following morning right before church to discuss a calling.

I told him I'd be there and then looked at Jake and was seriously trying not to freak out. I text Jaelyn {since Betsey was up at her family cabin and didn't have service} and asked if Jason had called her to set up an appointment. Nope. I felt bad at that point - Jaelyn left her calling as the primary chorister to come be in the presidency with us 2 months ago. She LOVED her last calling, but was willing to leave for this exciting new one, and then 2 months later is being released. I felt so bad for her, but at the same time was thinking "I could've sworn it would be Young Women's". But why didn't they at least tell her she was being released - she hadn't heard ANYTHING yet. I prayed HARD that night that I would be willing to accept whatever they called me as. And I mean HARD. And then I woke up and said the same prayer. Please just let me be grateful for whatever they call me as. Help me be excited. Help me want to fulfill my calling.

I got ready for church and drove over for my interview, running a few minutes late. I walked over to the Bishops office and Brother Bascom {the 1st Counselor} told me that we'd run in one of the side rooms. Bishop James was just coming out of his office, so he offered to let us go in there real fast. So we go in Bishop's office and Brother Bascom started out by thanking me for the service I have offered in my current calling and let me know that I was being released. No surprise there. And then he told me that the Bishopric had prayed about my new calling for a while and felt it was right and extended the call for me to be the 1st Counselor in the Young Women's Presidency. BAM!! I TOTALLY CALLED THAT!!!!

I started crying. Because I was in shock that I had seen it coming. Because I was annoyed at myself for doubting the impression I got. But mostly because I was SO excited for this new calling! And I accepted. And then Sacrament Meeting started. Jake passed me a note to ask what it was and he was pretty surprised too - I really had called it. And we were both going to be working with the youth {Jake is the Young Men's Secretary}. So they get to the part of the meeting where they announce releasings and callings. And they released me and Era. Nobody else. The Relief Society Presidency didn't change - yet. But I got called as the 1st Counselor so that part was official!

After Sacrament Meeting, a few people came up and told me how awesome they thought I was going to do in that calling. And when I had been thinking the last few weeks I would get this calling, I thought the same thing. But as soon as I got called, the doubts came back. Gotta love how Satan works like that right?! And then I saw the Young Women's President Georgina Pitcher in the hall and I got this huge smile and she was like "oh I hope you're half as excited as me!" and I was like "oh I bet I'm WAY more excited - I am SO excited!!". Throughout our conversation in the hallway and then later in the evening when she came to go over some stuff with me, she told me how she had submitted my name a few months ago and that the Bishopric told her no. And then she found out Era was moving, and she started praying for a name. On the February fast Sunday, she was fasting to find a new counselor and I bore my testimony that day and she said she just knew - she knew that I was supposed to be the new counselor. So she told the Bishop that I was who she wanted and they told her that I could be the new counselor, but they needed to wait until it was closer to changing the Relief Society Presidency so that there wouldn't be a time without a secretary, and there wouldn't be a new one called for 3 weeks and then released again.

I was shocked - I had felt like I should bear my testimony that day, but after I was walking back to my seat I felt so lame - why the heck did I feel like I should bear my testimony today? I didn't have an earth shattering story. I just talked about the song "Love at home" and how "mine is a home where every hour is filled by the strength of Priesthood power" now since Jake had received the Melchezidek Priesthood the week before. But apparently I needed to bear my testimony so that Georgina would get that strong feeling that I was the new counselor. Amazing how things work out right?! Tonight is my first activity and it's combined with the Young Men so Jake will be there too. I AM SO EXCITED TO GO!!! AHHH SOOOOO excited for my new calling!!!!

Just because things change, I wanted to post who I am serving with - Georgina Pitcher is the President with Jenny Wall as the Laurel Advisor, I am the 1st Counselor with Tiffany Barth {my next door neighbor!! I am so excited to get to know her better!!} as the Mia Maid Advisor, Janaca Cann is the 2nd Counselor with Tammy Trainor as the Beehive Advisor and Holly Rose is the Secretary. Melissa George is our camp director. I already got the dates off for Girls Camp & Youth Conference - I am so excited!!!

And the BEST part is that after our meetings, I was set apart by Brother Wall, the 2nd Counselor in the Bishopric AND JAKE! JAKE HELPED SET ME APART!!!!! I GOT TO FEEL MY HUSBAND'S HANDS ON MY HEAD AS HE USED THE PRIESTHOOD!!!!!!!!! That was an AMAZING experience. Seriously. I am getting goosebumps just thinking about it. I am SO proud of my amazing husband and how much he has changed and how hard he is working to go to the temple! He has an interview with the Bishop this Sunday - hopefully that means we will be setting a sealing date soon!!!

Motivational Monday: Change of Plans

I have had quite a change in plans over the last few days. Change #1 - it's Monday and I am doing my weight loss post. Not Friday. Brynne & I talked about it and I think it will help me do better on the weekends if I know that Monday is my weigh in day and if I know I need to blog about how I did . So there ya go - first change.

Change #2 - I'm not doing Insanity after all. I did it 3 days last week, which included the Fit Test, Plyometrics Cardio & Power Resistance or something like that. And I did it, but I hated it. Like seriously hated it. And that's ok - sometimes you need to hate a workout to get your body to insane places with your fitness. Except that isn't my goal. Yeah I want to lose another 20 pounds, yeah I want to tone up. But I am not wanting to be the next Olympian. I just want to be healthy. And for me, Insanity is not the right tool to get me there. I don't look forward to it. AT ALL. I barely slept Sunday night because I was so nervous for doing it on Monday and I think that contributed to me getting sick. I was stressed about it all week, after a workout I felt guilty for not pushing myself harder, and by Thursday I realized that exercise is not my "escape" anymore - it's a chore. I dread it. And that won't help me with my depression. The reason I was able to go off of my anti depressants is because of exercise - it helps me stay calm and it's my therapy. But Insanity is not therapy for me. So time for it to GO! In a way, I'm bummed that I am quitting the program, but at the same time I am doing the right thing for me. And that's what matters when it comes down to it.

Change #3 - I looked into it, and to return Insanity I also have to return Shakeology because I bought it as a challenge pack. I can re buy Shakeology on its own, but I would have to send this bag back. And that got me thinking - and yeah I am just going to stop drinking Shakeology. I am so back and forth on this. I make up my mind, and then change it, and then change it again. But Jake & I talked and weighed the pros and cons and I am just going to stop drinking it. Shakeology is an awesome meal replacement shake - it has amazing nutrients in it and tastes awesome. But it's $125 a month. That's a TON. There are a lot of other things I would rather do with that money. And I read in Skinny Meg's blog {seriously LOVE her blog!} the other day that she isn't big on drinking shakes because she likes to eat her calories. That totally hit home for me! I gained so much weight because I like food. That isn't ever going to change - I love food. And my Shakeology, with fruit and such added into it, is around 300 calories. I could eat a piece of fruit, a huge bowl of air popped popcorn and greek yogurt for the same amount of calories as a drink. I like to chew my food. And I want to save money. So yeah, Shakeology is going back. I can lose weight without it. I just need to have some discipline in my eating and Shakeology won't do it for me.

Ok onto less serious things - I feel like I just confessed that I am an utter failure. I quit Shakeology. I quit Insanity. Part of me feels like a quitter. But I'm not quitting because it's hard. I'm quitting because it isn't a good fit for me. I still feel awful for quitting though. I am just having a weird day. I'm just irritable today so whatever - I won't beat myself up too bad about it.

That sounds REALLY good right now haha

My frozen yogurt from the weekend before last {after family pictures}

I found this ice cream the other day via Facebook. It's called Arctic Zero - the whole pint is 150 calories. Yeah, the WHOLE pint. And it tastes pretty good! I got it in Chocolate Peanut Butter, a Mint Chocolate Chip & in Cookies & Cream. So far, the peanut butter is my favorite. Surprise surprise.

Weigh in today was 170. Down a pound from last week. Would have been more but I didn't eat so great over the weekend - I haven't been feeling good AT ALL and it made me crave junk {I always want cereal when I don't feel good}. Ready for this feeling of being down to go away. Ready for the scale to move more. Stay tuned for next Monday's post!!

Drop of Awesome

My amazing sister Brynne forwarded this to me yesterday and I absolutely loved it. It's all I have been thinking all night and morning long and I wanted to make sure to keep it somewhere I would be able to find it again when needed. What better place than my journal right?! So here ya go - enjoy!!

"This post has been in my heart and on my mind for over a year now. I’ve talked about it. I’ve prayed about it. I’ve taught about it. I was waiting for the right time to post about it and now feels like that time. It’s a post about a tiny little moment that completely changed the way I see myself and others. As I think about it and act on what I learned, I find that I am changed in significant ways every single day.

"It was a sunny school morning and I was walking Magoo to the bus stop. I don’t often walk him to the school bus. He’s in second grade and pretty independent and I’m usually busy getting myself and his sisters ready. I’m semi-nocturnal and I sleep later than I should most mornings.

"When it’s time for school, he says goodbye and heads up the hill to the bus.

"As we got half way to the bus, Magoo reached out and grabbed my hand in an uninhibited way that I knew wouldn’t happen many more times. He’s seven now but growing and how many 12-year-old boys do you see still swinging hands happily with their mommies?

"I squeezed his hand, felt the rare Seattle sun on my face, and told him I loved him. I was nearly perfectly happy.

"Nearly.

"Just at that moment, the thought came into my mind, That’s awesome that you’re walking him to the bus stop and putting on this “mother of the year” act today. What about yesterday and the day before that? You hardly ever walk him to the bus. He’s probably holding your hand because he’s so desperate for the love and attention you haven’t been showing him.

"My bubble had burst. I am a crap mom, I thought, as I looked down into his smiling face.

"Then another thought came. Kathryn. What is wrong with you? You are being an awesome mom in this moment. Your child is happy. You are loving him and caring for him. He’s well fed and dressed. You’re walking to the bus stop in the early morning and you’re already wearing a bra for heck’s sake. Do not rob yourself of this moment’s joy because of what you failed to do yesterday or what you fear you might not do tomorrow.

"This started me thinking of all the times I do something good while beating myself up for all the times I haven’t been perfect.

"You’re worshiping in the temple? Woopty freakin do! How long has it been since you came here last? When are you likely to come again? You’re not good at this. This is a fluke.

"Wow. So you cleaned the kitchen today. Want a cookie? That dirty rag has been on the counter for a week and those dishes you so righteously cleaned are from breakfast three days ago. You are embarrassing.

"That was really nice of you to offer to watch your friend’s kids while she had surgery. Remember last week when you knew your neighbor was suffering from depression and you drove right by with a wave because you did not want to get sucked into the drama? You don’t really care about people. Not all the time.

"How destructive are these kinds of thoughts?

"As I said goodbye to Magoo and started to walk back home, my mind started to shift.

"Drops of Awesome! I thought. Every time you do something good, something kind, something productive, it’s a drop in your Bucket of Awesome. You don’t lose drops for every misstep. You can only build. You can only fill.

"I walked Magoo to the bus. Drop of Awesome!

"I fed him fruit with breakfast. Drop of Awesome!

"I told him I loved him. Drop of Awesome!

"I wore a bra and brushed my teeth before schlepping it up that hill. Two Fat Drops of Awesome!

"All day long I chanted these words in my head. I picked up that tootsie roll wrapper off the front porch instead of stepping over it for the eleventy hundredth time. Drop of Awesome! I unloaded one dish from the dishwasher when I walked through the kitchen on my way to the bathroom. Drop of Awesome! I texted my sad neighbor to say I was thinking about her. Drop of Awesome! I had a critical thought about one of my kids and I brushed it away and replaced it with love. Drop of Awesome!

"When I started thinking about my life in terms of adding these little Drops of Awesome for every tiny act of good, I found that I was doing more and more of them because it’s a lot more fun to do good when you’re rewarded with joy, rather than being guilted about every failure in your past.

"By the end of the day, I had realized something important. If I was spending time with my kids, really listening to them with attention in the moment, then I was a good listener, regardless of the 50 other times I’d brushed them off or multi-tasked while they were talking over the past week. If I was engaged in sincere prayer with my Heavenly Father, really communing with him and seeking his will, then I was a person who engages in sincere prayer, regardless of how my prayers were (or weren’t) yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.

"As I added up these Drops of Awesome, I found that in those moments I actually became the person I had always wanted to be.

"Have you ever said any of these things: “Well, I guess I don’t work out anymore,” because you missed one workout? Or, “I always fight with my brother. Our relationship is broken.” What about, “I’m kind of a nag to my spouse.” Or “I gossip and I always end up hurting people I love.” “I can’t stop spending money. We will never get out of debt.” “My house is always a disaster.”

"These things are lies, depending on the next decision you make, the next Drop of Awesome you put in your bucket. You may have done these things or have a hard time with them but they don’t define you and you can change this very instant. You may not think you can change permanently but you can change the next choice you make. And as you change that one next tiny choice, you may think, I got this one Drop of Awesome but I may never be able to get another one again.

"And that’s okay.

"You made the right choice once. And in that moment you were the person you want to be and that is a triumph. For one night, you were a person who went to bed early. One morning you woke up and the first words out of your mouth were positive so you were a morning person in that moment. Bam! Drop of Awesome.

"You do not need to wait three months to be who you want to be. Pick up ten things right now and say, “Drops of Awesome! I am someone who takes care of my house. That is who I am. I have proof.”

"In the end, it’s really about allowing yourself to feel joy and allowing yourself to be proud of the small victories of life. This builds momentum and you want more drops in your bucket and when you don’t get as many, you pick yourself up and say, “What can I do next?”

"Now, there are a whole lot of religious implications to this because, as a Christian, I believe that you are not the only one adding these Drops of Awesome to your bucket. Christ commanded us to be perfect, but through His atonement, He is with us every step of the way.

"As an object lesson when I was teaching this to the teenage girls at church, I gave them each a small dropper and I put a 2-quart bowl on the table. I told them that throughout the lesson they would get the chance to put drops in the bucket for every Drop of Awesome they could think of that they’d done. I promised them that we would fill the bowl to overflowing by the end of the lesson.

"With about 5 minutes to go, we had barely begun to fill the bowl and the girls were looking around at each other nervously. The promised overflow did not look likely. Were they not awesome enough?

"At that point, I pulled out a large pitcher labeled ATONEMENT and poured water into the glass bowl until it was spilling out all over the table and the towel the bowl was resting on. The class went silent.

"When we are in a relationship with Christ, striving as God’s sons and daughters to do His will, He pours more into our buckets than we can ever hope to imagine. He can fill us to overflowing with peace, with joy, with perfection, with Awesome. And then what do we do if our bucket is overflowing like that? Where does the Awesome go then?

"I pulled out an identical bowl, twice the size of the original. Our capacity for joy and light increases. And we just keep working, one tiny drop at a time. And we don’t compare today’s drops to yesterday’s or tomorrow’s. And we live and we love and we repent when we do wrong and we allow ourselves to be glorious, beautiful, and dare I say perfect in Christ, children of God.

"I believe in a God who loves us and roots for us and cheers for every Drop of Awesome we can manage. Our victories are His victories and He wants us to feel joy. Not later, when we no longer make mistakes, but right now.

"I’m gonna close this uber long post out with a scripture from the Book of Mormon. I know many of you do not share my faith but I think you’ll find truth in these words:

"'Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.' (Alma 37:6)

"Small and simple. Tiny drops. Go forth. Be Awesome."

Isn't that awesome?! Drop of awesome for posting on my blog today - I am doing great on my blog goal of 17 posts a month! Drop of AWESOME!!