Sunday, June 16, 2013

Life altering...

So I am going to start this post by saying that today is May 13, 2013. And you are reading this somewhere around June 16, 2013. And if you are reading this, you may or may not have seen on Facebook that Jake & I are pregnant! Yes, you read that right.

But because we don't want to tell too many people {just in case}, I am not posting this until Father's Day, the day we plan to announce. But I have WAY too many emotions going on to not write them down, and I suck at writing in my paper journal. So they are going on the blog, and I just won't let anyone see them for another 6 weeks!

This post is all about how I found out we were pregnant. So let's start at "the beginning".

Last Sunday, May 5, Jake had a Bishop interview in the morning. He was supposed to be receiving his Temple Recommend, or so we thought. We were like 95% sure, we had talked to the Bishop and still felt like he was going to come out of the interview with his living ordinance recommend so that we could go get sealed. He went to his interview without me and came home a few minutes later, with no recommend.

It was Fast Sunday, and I had been debating on if I wanted to fast ANYWAY - 1 o'clock church just kills me on Fast Sunday haha. As soon as I heard he didn't get it, I went crazy eating everything I could find to try to make myself feel better. Didn't help, of course. I should have known that. And I was MAD. Like MAD MAD. Just kept trying to get me to calm down and it was no use - I was SUPER mad. I know LOTS of people who got their recommends MUCH faster - what on earth are we waiting for?! Jake is worthy for a baptismal recommend, so why can't he have his living ordinance one already?!

Seriously, to say I was a wreck is an understatement. I was SO upset. I told Jake that if I didn't know it would make things worse, I'd say we should cut church for the day. He was calm and just kept saying we should go. Goes to show how much he has changed - he would have jumped at the chance to sluff 6 months ago!

I finally just decided I would ignore the Bishop at all costs and just suck it up and go. We walked in and there were NO seats on the benches, at all. And we weren't late. That should have been my first inclination that there were baby blessings, but I didn't pick up on it until Jake mentioned that one of the counselors in the Young Men's presidency was blessing his baby today. They announced over the pulpit that there were going to be 2 baby blessings. No big thing.

Or so I thought.

RIGHT before they blessed the first baby, I said a quick prayer that my heart would be softened enough to get through church and actually feel the Spirit, because I knew it would help me feel better. And then they started the blessing. And I can't remember what they said. All I remember is I was sobbing. Like shoulder shaking sobbing. I reached in my bag and pulled out a handkerchief I keep in there from my Grandpa's funeral and just lost it. As soon as the first blessing was done, I snuck out {after getting a crazy eyed expression from Jake at my tears} and went in the bathroom. And I just collapsed and was crying as quietly as I could in case anyone came in.

I had a VERY strong feeling a month or so ago that we would get pregnant after we got sealed, thanks to a paragraph in my patriarchal blessing. And after reading that, I felt so much better. We just needed to get sealed, and the baby would come. Well, sealing was supposed to be coming and no recommend. And I was just devastated. Didn't the Bishop know my children are waiting for that piece of paper?!

I came out of the stall and was HORRIFIED at what I looked like. My eyes were almost swollen shut{ok not quite but it was bad} and they were BLOODSHOT. And I had NO make up on anymore. I was trying to clean my face off and one of my Young Women came in the bathroom. Awesome. She was like "yeah we need Kleenex too" and walked out. Awesome - someone is going to know now. I composed myself as best I could and went and sat next to Jake. He took one look at me and said "you need to go home".

We quietly argued for a few minutes about whether or not I should stay and ultimately decided I should go. I was sitting behind my good friend Janaca, who is the 2nd Counselor in the YW's, so I asked her if she would cover for me because I needed to go. As soon as we were done taking the Sacrament, we left to go home.

Jake got me situated on the couch, where I continued to cry and moan and whoa is me for a while. And then he went back to church. Without me. Seriously people, Jake is a different person.

While he was gone I was texting my mom and sister and being incredibly whiny about how we were never going to get sealed. They were both trying to encourage me but it wasn't working. Things like trusting in the Lord and on His timeframe. Well, I have 2 righteous desires and I am not getting either of them. That's dumb. Later that night, right before I went to bed, I was walking past the laundry room and I just got this feeling like "so what if My timeframe is only off of yours by a few weeks? What if you're pregnant right now?"

I immediately pulled out my phone and looked to see when my period was supposed to start. That day. So not late. Totally wrote the feeling off.

Tuesday, I still hadn't started. I mentioned it to Jake and we decided I should take a test. When I got off work {I worked a short day} I went to Smith's and bought a test. And took it in the Smith's bathroom. Negative. Well there goes that feeling from Sunday.

By Thursday I still hadn't started. I mentioned it to a friend at work and she suggested to take one Saturday or Sunday if I still hadn't started. I knew I couldn't wait that long, so I stopped at Wal-Mart and bought one Thursday night. I got everything ready so I could take it first thing Friday morning, since your hormone levels are stronger in the morning and you have a better chance of a positive.

Friday morning I woke up {5 days late} and took the test. I walked out of the room and started getting ready for the day, and then came back in when the timer went off. And it was positive.

Yeah, it was positive.

Oh. My. Gosh.

I walked out of the room, and then walked back in again. And walked out again. And walked in again. And then I looked in the bathroom mirror and just starting bawling. And I went back in our bedroom and fell down on the side of the bed and started saying a prayer of gratitude. This really happened. I am really pregnant.

But maybe the test was wrong. Maybe I got a false positive.

So I went in the kitchen and got a HUGE drink of water and drank it as fast as I could, refilled it, and drank it again. And then I finished getting ready for work while I waited.

And I took a second test. And it was positive.

Oh my gosh. FREAK OUT MODE!!!!

I text Jake and asked him when he was planning on coming home, or if he was going golfing right after work. Plan was to go golfing right after. Shoot!! I thought I was going to die waiting to tell him. It almost slipped through text but I stood firm and I knew I wanted to see his face when I told him.

I went to Wal-Mart before work and started looking for some way to tell him that was kinda creative. I found a really cute onesie that says "Crib $350 Diapers $14.95 Pacifier $2.99 Daddy's expression when changing my diaper... Priceless!" and I found some cute bibs for my mom & Jake's mom that say different things about being a grandma. I also got some Mother's Day cards and took everything home and hid it in my car, except for the onesie - I put that in my purse.

He came to take me to lunch and the plan was to go to Kneaders. We walked out the doors and he opened the truck door for me, and then walked around the truck to get in on the drivers side. I hurried and pulled the onesie out of my purse and put it on his seat. He opened the door and just stared at it. And then the reaction went something like this...

"Are you serious?"
"You took the test without me?"
"Yes, I took it before you went golfing, before I called and asked you to come home."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes" {showed him the test picture}
"Holy sh** you're really pregnant?"
"Yes - be excited!!"
"I can't breathe right now!"

Trying not to throw up haha
Trying to smile haha
Our family is getting an addition!!
We went to Kneaders for lunch and he didn't eat anything. At all. He just kept staring at me and saying the due date {January 3rd} over and over again. He hadn't slept all day and was pretty tired, so he decided to go home and lay down but he knew he wouldn't be able to get any sleep because his mind was working in overdrive. It's Jake - that's a perfectly normal reaction for Jake haha. Right before he left to go home, he told me "I'm excited - I really am. Just scared and caught off guard." I know babe, and I am scared too.

The rest of the day at work was normal, just trying hard to not slip and tell anyone. I have been training to temporarily replace Lindsey, our main new accounts rep, who is also pregnant, so that I could cover her while she is on maternity leave. Well, we will only have a month where I am here and she isn't. After that, we are both gone. So that plan won't work after all haha.

I told the girls at work today {May 13}. I had wanted to wait until next Thursday {the 24} because that's the day of my 8 week appointment with a certified Nurse Midwife in Orem, but I couldn't keep it in anymore.

I am scared that something is going to happen - that I am going to have a miscarriage, or that I am not really pregnant, or something. Especially since I don't feel sick. I can kinda feel nausea, or something, sometimes but if I eat a little something it goes away. Just trying to make sure that I am not reaching for cookies every time that hits haha.

I'm just a bundle of nerves. Jake and I were talking last night about how I need to calm down and relax a little. Easier said then done haha. I'm a worrier by nature, but if I am like this for 33 weeks we'll all go nuts. Gotta relax and just trust the Lord and His plan for me. And pray, hard, that I will get to keep this baby.

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