Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Hard Time

So I have been having a hard time again with my depression. It seems like everything little thing sets me off. At first, I thought it was just how I was eating or if I missed a workout that triggered my bad moods but it's more than that - if I let it, it can be anything that sets me off. And it's starting to scare me. I like that I don't need to take anti depressants or mood stabilizers anymore. I like that I got enough control over my depression that I could control it. And it's slipping. And I don't want to go back on medicine for it. And that scares me. Which makes it worse. Which makes just one heck of a slip n slide.

And I keep looking at pictures of me, from "before" to make me feel better because I have accomplished something pretty major by losing so much weight. Even though I have gained some of it back {not a lot - my smaller clothes are all still fitting, jeans are a bit snug but they do fit and they didn't fit all that well to begin with} I still need to be proud of myself and focus on what I accomplished, instead of focusing on the fact that I still am not a healthy weight. That I still have double digit size pants in most stores. See - I'm doing it again. Focus on the positive.

So anyway, I keep looking at pictures and I noticed that my smile is totally different now than it was this time last year. This time last year, I had lost about 25 pounds in 2012 and around 65 total and was SO proud of myself. Like seriously over the moon proud of myself. And it shows in all my pictures - I look SO happy. And I don't feel that way now. I am SO not proud of myself. I eat junk on the weekends. I missed a workout every Monday for 3 weeks in a row. And my Saturday workout for who knows how many days. But over a year ago, I worked out 0 times a week. 0 times a month. So this is WAY better than that. But it isn't as good as I was doing. And I am totally beating myself up over it.

And that makes me really sad. I need to be talking to myself in a positive way. Saying nice things to myself. Making myself feel better, because I am the only person who can make me feel better. Saturday night, I talked to Jake about how I was feeling my crazy coming back and Jake {in his very straight forward way} was just very "well don't do that". I felt a little better after I talked to him, but by Sunday morning my depression was back. And THAT would be because I ate my feelings Saturday night. And felt awful. That does NOT make me feel better. Momentarily maybe, but afterwards no not at all. I ate SO much sugar. I felt SO sick. And Sunday morning, I was feeling awful all over again. Saturday night, Jake had asked what he could do to help me and I told him nothing but I would let him know if I thought of something. Well, by Sunday I had thought of something - I needed a priesthood blessing.

Bishop James challenged Jake to give me a blessing at some point soon so that he could practice using his priesthood by himself. He talked about how when it comes to me receiving a blessing, no one can give me a blessing with more power and meaning than Jake - not even the Prophet. That really hit home for me - Jake can give me a stronger blessing than President Monson. Jake was caught off guard by that too. But he wasn't feeling quite ready yet so we waited for him to give me my blessing. But come Sunday morning, I could NOT wait anymore. And Jake agreed to do it. I gotta admit, I was a little surprised - he is VERY nervous about doing blessings but he agreed to do it.

We went in the kitchen and said a prayer together first and then I sat in one of the kitchen table chairs. He teased me that I was going to end up crying and that by fixing my make up I would be late for ward choir - I told him no, I wouldn't cry. I was feeling really low - there was no way I was going to cry. He put his hands on my head. and he gave me a blessing. And it was very Jake - it was things said in a way that he says them. He didn't morph into someone totally different - he used phrases and things that he would regularly say. But it was different - there was pauses in between what he said. There were things that he said that he didn't know I needed to hear - like he said something about how I need to be ok with myself, and he said that I need to know how much my husband loves me {because yeah I struggle with that when I am depressed too - feeling like he deserves someone better or like he doesn't want to be with me} and his hands just felt different on top of my head. Heavy - like there was more than 1 set of hands on my head.

And I was bawling by the end. It was very short - no more than 2 or 3 minutes, but it was amazing how different I felt after those few minutes. And then I started bawling even more because it really works - the priesthood really works, and my husband really does have the priesthood, and it really worked when he used it. And he laughed at me because he was right - I was crying. But I felt better. Throughout the rest of my Sunday, I continued to feel ok. Come Monday, I could feel the depression trying to come back a little, but nothing big. But now, it's back. And I had wanted to write this post so that I could be honest about what was going on in my life - post the good and the bad. But now, posting this and remembering the blessing he gave me, has helped me again.

It makes me so mad that Satan knows my buttons - that he knows what to say to make me feel this way. A few months ago, I really did think that my depression was "cured" - that I wouldn't have these feelings anymore. It's hard feeling them again, feeling like I let myself down because I let my depression come back. But depression is an illness, and there is a reason people struggle with it - it is VERY hard to overcome. And a few months ago, I was on a high - I had accomplished something amazing and was being told left and right how skinny I looked. Now, I look the same - nothing new, no compliments coming in {which is TOTALLY FINE - I almost disliked how often people said stuff about how different I looked} but it's letting that high slip away. I guess this is the part where I start maintenance - where I start trying to make this weight loss stick. Except I wanted to lose a little bit more, so I don't want to look at it like maintenance. Right now though, losing that last pant size and a half isn't my top goal. I want to maintain for the next little bit. Get myself under control, get feeling like me again. Without turning to food.

And that's going to require some balance. I get stressed when the house isn't clean, or when I don't cook dinner because I feel like that makes me a bad wife. So I stay up later than normal cleaing the house and doing laundry, which makes me sleep less, which impacts my workout the next morning, which messes up my entire day. I need to make sure I am getting enough sleep. That needs to be number 1. Not too much sleep though - just a regular amount of sleep. And then I need to make sure that I am fulfilling my responsibilities as a wife - making dinner, making sure we have clean clothes to wear, stuff like that. Next, I need to be putting the RIGHT things in my body. If I am still hungry after a meal, then by all means I can eat something else - but not an entire cake. Not pizza - it's got to be GOOD things for my body. Things that won't add to the problem, because when I eat junk I feel like junk and that's the last thing I need right now.

And I need to make sure I keep working out. Even if it's short. Even if it's Turbo Jam instead of Turbo Fire. Even if I take Max for a walk instead. I need to keep moving. I know that exercise is a mood regulator. I know it fights my moods. I know it helps me. And even when I am tired, I know it's worth it.

And I am so proud of myself for writing this. I'm sitting here thinking "holy smokes don't publish this - just get it all out and delete it" because this is super embarrassing for me to say all this - to admit that things are not perfect in our life. And I feel like I have nothing to be depressed about - we have a great life. And that makes it harder for me that I feel sad - because I don't even know why or where it's coming from. But that's part of trials. And I had been thinking I hadn't experienced a trial in a while. Well, now I got one. Even though it's not a "big one" - I have something I need to work through. And that makes me feel better - because it's just that - something to work through. This is not the me I am stuck with - I can do things to help make me feel better. I can do things to help me be the "other" me - the one that feels invincible and smiles at everything and feels happy all the time. I know that me is still in there, and I know that I'll find her again. And I know it won't take me very long to find her.

The other day, I had the thought that part of why my depression is coming back, particularly with our marriage, is because our sealing is coming. Because Satan wants us to fight, and have problems, and make me feel like I am not good enough to be with Jake in this life, let alone for eternity, and prevent our sealing from happening. I don't know if that really is where all my depression is coming from, but it makes me feel better thinking it's related to that - because we are THAT close to going to the temple together. It really is coming. And that probably is freaking Satan out. And it should - because having 1 more eternal family is the last thing he wants. And it's really coming. And oh does that make me smile :)

1 comment:

  1. Ashley - I love reading your blog, and I love the way you write because you are so REAL!

    This was such an inspiring post - thank you for choosing to publish it instead of deleting it. You are SO inspiring! I don't know of another person who has set so many worthwhile goals and actually achieved them! You are the most patient and hardworking girl I know. And, on top of it all you are so genuinely sweet and kind - always reaching out to others, taking an interest in their lives, being the first to say hello or start a conversation. Ashley, you are amazing! I wish I was just like you! I know you didn't write this to have people shower you with praise, but it's something I've been wanting to do for a long time anyway so this is my chance. :)

    I loved reading about the blessing Jake gave you. What a sweet, sweet, moment. I do agree that Satan in probably working over time on you guys right now. And, I can totally relate to your struggles - those are some of the same ones that plague me from time to time. It's scary just how well Satan knows us and can exercise power over us. Creepy.

    I'm sorry I'm so long-winded! I just wanted to let you know what an example you are to me. I so appreciate your honesty here - it helps me feel normal for having struggles too. (We've all got them, why do we try to hide them?)

    I love your guts! Call me anytime you need to get out and go for a walk or something - chances are I probably need it too! :)