Recovering

So I know I blogged like a ton last week, but I feel like I haven't blogged in a while. Probably because it was all about our trip and the fence - nothing about how things are going in our lives right now. And I have been debating whether I wanted to post about some struggles I have been having or not, since people actually do read this occasionally, but this is my form of a journal so here it comes.

I have been saying that a lot lately I feel like - "I can't decide if I want this on the blog or not". I think that's because I am going through some kinda personal, tough stuff {tough in my mind - I realize that people have MUCH harder trials in their lives, but these are my trials and I struggle with them} but I want to remember everything about my life - not just highlight the good parts.

My depression/mood swings are back. Like WAY back. Since I went off my mood stabilizer medicine in September I have noticed it a little bit, but my moods are controllable as long as I am working out. So for the most part, it's been totally fine. If I miss too many days working out, then I really can tell I am "losing it" and after a workout I'm back to the old me.

Working out releases endorphins, which helps with moods. That's why my doctor let me go off of my medicine in the first place - because I was working out and it was counteracting the depression side of my moods. So missing workouts is like skipping my medicine - it's not a good idea.

My doctor, Dr. Naylor, left his office here in Saratoga Springs. His office is literally next door to my work - talk about convenient! But like I said, he left. And I have been dragging my feet on getting a new doctor because I only had one prescription Dr Naylor was writing for me. And I thought that I could probably just go off of that medicine. I don't want to be on any medicine when I'm pregnant if I can help it.

That one prescription is for my thyroid - I have hypothyroidism. And I am on an INCREDIBLY low dose. And I was put on that dose 3 years ago, when they thought that was why I was falling apart in my life - work life, home life, social life - everything was taking a hit. We realized that my new thyroid medicine wasn't fixing everything and started a series of new mood stabilizers to see what would get me back to "me". It took 4 months and finding a new job after taking 4 weeks off of work {medical leave - never thought I'd need to take THAT for anything other than maternity} and I was back to feeling like me. Moral of the story - I was convinced that my thyroid really wasn't off. That they just misdiagnosed me and kept me on the medicine anyway.

My doctor insisted I need to stay on it while trying to get pregnant and once I am pregnant I might need to up the dosage, depending on how things go. So after he has left his practice, I decided to just go off of it. I don't think I need it anyway, so what would it hurt to stop taking it, especially with no doctor that would know?

Yeah bad idea. I noticed almost immediately how tired I was. Which being tired is one thing. Early morning workout sessions at 5:30 AM are the first thing that stops happening when you're tired. So I went from 5-6 days a week to 4-5, which turned to 3-4, and then 2-3 days a week. Right before our Vegas vacation, I worked out twice that week - one of them with Brynne at the Legacy Center for a Turbo night.

We got super sweaty and it felt SO good to sweat like that! I got REALLY sore though!

While we were in Vegas, I went to the gym at our hotels twice. Which is better than zero, but I could DEFINITELY tell that I wasn't working out like normal. And yeah we were walking around a lot but still - it was nothing like normal. And I was eating SO bad. SOOO bad. And that has an impact on my moods too. And I hate Nevada water - I won't drink it from the tap. Buying 7-8 water liter water bottles everyday would get expensive so by the end of the trip I was probably near the beginning of dehydration.

The next week {last week} the only day I worked out was Saturday. I missed every single day during the week. Pressed snooze for nearly 2 hours each day. Because I just could NOT get up. So I tried sticking to my healthy eating SUPER well. Did awesome, most days, during the day but would crash at night and binge. More days than normal in a week. There were a few days that I binged all day.

Frozen yogurt for lunch. That's NOT the best idea. Tasted amazing but I felt sick afterwards.

Workout on Saturday - rocked it at the Turbo Instructor Training with Shukria & Brynne, but still - only workout all week!

And that's when I realized that the only thing different the last 6 ish weeks {when I was cutting back on workouts due to lack of energy} is that I stopped taking that thyroid medicine. And the main symptom that got my doctor's thinking my thyroid was off 3 years ago was how exhausted I was. ALL. THE. TIME. No matter how much sleep I got - I slept nearly 14 hours a day most days and was still a zombie the few hours I was awake.

So I made an appointment with the doctor at the clinic at Jake's work. Seriously, I love my husband's job. LOVE that company - they treat their employees awesome, and they built a clinic on site specifically for the employees and their families. Not only for emergencies, but anything - the doctor and staff are just like a regular doctors office. But it's totally cheaper than a doctor because of a deal they made with the insurance company. So yeah, found a new doctor - Doctor Scoville.

I went in yesterday, and it was kind of a long appointment. We talked about my platelette count, about how my hematologist wanted me to off of prenatals since he thought there was a WAY slim chance that was what caused my platelette count to freak out, about going back on a mood stabilizer and about my self diagnosis of not needing my thyroid medicine anymore. I totally admitted that I was wrong for going off of it and he prescribed me the same medicine again, same dosage I was on before, and put me on a different prenatal to start on right away. We are going to wait to go back on the mood stabilizer - it isn't exactly safe while pregnant and he is thinking if exercise fixed it before, when it was consistent, then it could do it again. So I kinda have doctor's orders to exercise everyday.

In a way, it's a good thing this happened - now I KNOW that the thyroid medicine really is doing something. I really do need to be on it. And losing weight didn't fix THAT problem. And even though I had wanted to be 100% off of medicine, I am realizing that won't work for me. I know some people can do it and use oils or herbs and that is AWESOME - I so wish I could do that but I need medicine for some things. Not everything - I still use oils for most things, like headaches and such. I obviously am not on a mood stabilizer right now because of exercise and the "high" I get from that. But I do still need medicine.

Like I said, I so wanted to be one of those people that is an "oil" success story and needs no medications at all. To be all natural. But I'm not one of those people. And that's ok - I can use the oils for some things, but I was born at a time of medicine for a reason. That doesn't mean I need to take ALL medicines that are available these days by any means but I don't want to completely shun away from modern medicine. And I understand that some people do, like I said. And that's AWESOME and totally a personal choice for them.

I think it's the placebo effect but I already feel like the medicine is kicking in. I was able to get up this morning and work out, so that was a win since it's been almost 2 weeks since I was able to do it early in the morning. I am grateful for the high I get when I exercise. I am grateful for how I feel when I eat healthy. And I am grateful that I FINALLY relaxed on my eating a little bit. That I let myself eat wheat thins or fiber one brownies again. I went through a phase where I didn't eat ANYTHING processed like that, because I wanted to eat so clean. And while that's great, it led to me eating everything in site when I did screw up. Now that I am allowing myself to eat those things again, it is helping me to not want to binge because I know I can eat them again tomorrow. Why would I eat a whole box of wheat thins today when I know I can a serving again tomorrow? I'm getting rid of those "never" foods and it's making a big difference so far. It's still hard for me to write everything down that I eat on the weeeknds, but I am doing better. And this weight loss journey doesn't have a finish line - it's a constant journey.

I have a half marathon in 6.5 weeks and thanks to my lack of energy, my workouts haven't been where they should be to get me ready for it. But I am going to do it still. I had been thinking about backing out and I changed my mind. Even if it means I walk most of it, I am still doing it. Which I know I won't be walking most of it. But ya know what I mean. I know I won't be able to run the whole thing like I had wanted to. But I will finish it. I will get a better time than I did on my last half marathon. Training starts this week - doing lots of cross training and HIIT workouts to help build my muscles and get my lungs ready for those 13.1 miles. So there should be lots of posts coming about my runs and how working out and eating is going.

And hopefully no more posts about me having a hard time. Hopefully, with my medicine going again and my workouts {thanks to doc's orders} I will get back to being me :)